8 Ridiculous Pet Products

Megan Van Schaick

Vapoorize, courtesy Dreamworks Entertainment
We all love our pets (well, my dad could probably do without the cat) and we want to spoil them rotten -- they are our kids as much as, well, our kids!

I will totally cop to making beef stew for my dogs, growing catnip JUST for the cat, and stocking the cupboards with about 12 different kinds of treats at all times. Perhaps we shouldn't talk about the toys.

I do have a limit though. There are some things I just won't do, whether in the name of dog-spoilage or because the product is just too ridiculous. The cat does not need a whole wall of carpeted pathways or a ginormous plush tree just to keep him from being bored. My dogs don't need diapers, mostly because I actually took the time to house break them, but also because they would probably rip my face off if I actually tried to put one on.

And that's what I'm guessing about half of these products would produce. But what do I know?

rear gearRearGear -- No more Mr. Brown Eye! Seriously?? You’ve got to be kidding me. Someone send this girl a copy of Everyone Poops. Because, hey, newsflash, we all have butts, too! If you are skeeved out by your pet’s butt, you probably shouldn’t have one. Incidentally ... I wonder what she uses on HER ass?


Cats are predators, right? Lions, tigers, and house cats, oh my! Everyone knows this. My mom’s cat brings in a mole at least once a week. It’s just gonna happen. This contraption is supposed to prevent your cat from hunting birds. Know what we did in the good old days to keep our birds safe from the cat? Brace yourself, because it’s super high-tech and innovative. We put -- wait for it -- a bell on the cat’s collar. 

happy tail ale

Happy Tail Ale -- I prefer Longtrail, myself, but I suppose my dogs would make do with this craft brew. You know, because when we're having happy hour out on the patio, they get sooooo jealous and just CRAVE a frosty beer. Sheesh.

bow lingualBow-Lingual -- Forget body language, forget the Dog Whisperer -- shoot, forget even getting to know your dog, or training her to let you know when she goes out. Now, all your dog has to do is bark, and you use this handy-dandy CIA-grade gadget to decode what she’s saying. Oh, and your dog will LOVE having to wear the collar that goes with it.

neuticlesNeuticles -- PUH-lease.  Because your dog/cat/hamster/ant farm really misses their testicles. They didn’t even know they had them, and they sure don’t remember losing them! But if you're embarrassed about your dog’s lack of balls (or your own), you can order a pair, extra-large for a mere $919. Bonus: you can now get them with matching epididymis!

poop freezePoop Freeze -- What was that movie? Envy? Yeah, that’s kind of what this reminds me of. Why pick up your dog’s poo when you can Vapoorize it! Or, freeze it … which makes even less sense. You have to get just as close to the poo to pick it up as to freeze it, so why not just suck it up and grab it? And a little PS for dog owners who are too squeamish to clean up after their pet: they lick their butts and then your face.

goldfish walkerGoldfish Walker -- Thank God this isn’t actually in production. I can’t help but feel a little sad for the inventor, who felt that his fish were so lonely and bored that they needed to go on walks with him. Goldfish are supposed to be low maintenance -- you know, turn the light on, change the filter, sprinkle the food. That’s it! Now I have to walk them? Because they are bored? If they are bored, you get them a new plant or a castle with a little diver man to swim around, you don’t take them walking!

dog o matic dogwashDog-O-Matic -- This is just nothing short of torture, though naturally its inventor says that the dogs don’t suffer at all. I think this picture is proof enough of the hell involved for these poor dogs. I don’t know about you, but my dogs would bloody their paws trying to get out of that devil-machine. Thankfully, they aren’t actually in use yet -- the inventor tells us that it will take a while, sine people are still “getting used to the idea.” Yeah.

Dogs o2Dogs O2 -- Remember a few years back when oxygen bars were all the rage, for like, a whole five minutes? Oh yeah, you could get different concentrations, different flavors, all sorts of things. The bars touted the health benefits of taking in pure oxygen -- it makes you pretty, it makes you thin, it rids your body of toxins. This hyperbaric chamber for dogs claims to cure pretty much everything -- so for about 2 million yen, you too can have a strange torture chamber in your home!

dog sex dollSex Doll for Dogs -- There are actually two versions of this doll out there -- and for the life of me I cannot find it for sale. So you're out of luck, unless your Google-Fu skills are better than mine. I sincerely feel that I must have one of these. Not for my dogs to use (they don’t even have Neuticals, how could they use it?!),  but as some sort of weird, avant-garde art statement. You know, some sweeping commentary on sex in our everyday lives and the ever-unknown nature of love. Because my dogs sure as hell aren’t gonna know what to do with it, besides bite its ear (but who knows, maybe it gets off on that kind of thing).


Images (top to bottom) via IMDB.com, A Hidden Hollow, Rear Gear, Cat Goods, Happy Tail Ale, As Seen On TV, Neuticles, Entirely Pets, Metro.co.uk, Daily Mail, Air-Press, Paw Prints Magazine

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