Another day, another recall, and this one hits women in the worst possible place: Kotex is recalling its tampons because the plastic applicators may be contaminated with bacteria. Really. WHY OH WHY is there bacteria on the tampon applicators?!?

Here are the crucial details: These are the "Natural Balance Security Unscented, Regular Absorbency" tampons sold at Walmart, Fry's, and Smith's with SKU numbers 15063 and 15068. And now, the crucial question: Wouldn't you like to be in full control of the bacteria that goes into your va-jay-jay? Maybe it's time to explore your options -- as in, a menstrual cup. Never heard of it? Scared? Read on.

Last night, on the Season 8 Curb Your Enthusiasm premiere, Larry David winds up having to help a Girl Scout figure out how to use a tampon. It's quite a funny scene -- and, I believe, tampon instruction a very necessary lesson for every coming-of-age girl -- I mean, the first time I used a tampon, I went my whole first day, which included a bumpy ride in the back of a pickup truck (ouch!), with the tampon applicator still attached and lodged inside before figuring out the next time that the thing detaches. Of course, the scene gets girls and first periods all wrong -- just like TV and movies seem to always get girls and women and their bodies all wrong. Just like they never seem to "get it."

Will it ever be important to get women, their bodies, and their experiences right?

For DECADES, we women have been subject to TV and print ads for tampons and sanitary napkins that refused to deal with our periods as they actually exist. Over and over, the feminine hygiene products absorbed a "cleaner-looking" blue detergent-esque liquid. As IF menstrual fluid was some kind of chemical, alien, watery blue substance. We've wondered for years why ad agencies persisted in showing us this cockamamie fable! We know better, alright?! And believe it or not, MEN do, too!

But now, finally, finallllyyyyy -- the tampon/pad industry has entered the real world-slash-21st century! Always has a new AMERICAN (yes, that's important to note, because those Europeans are always cooler with bodily function stuff than we are) ad featuring a sanitary napkin with a maze trapping ... a TINY RED DOT. OMG! It's a miracle! Hallelujah!!!

There's almost nothing I'm more passionate about than a woman's right to control her reproductive fate. Birth control pills factor in big to that equation. Unfortunately, though, there are quite a few cons associated with the pill that the pharmaceutical companies don't want us to know ... particularly risks and setbacks associated with newer, low-dose versions of the pill, like Yaz, Yasmin and Beyaz (the original plus folate).Thankfully, there's a lot of new research coming out that shines some light on what we should know about these newer pills before going on them ... or continuing to take them. (Yes, even if they clear up your skin, or keep your "periods regular," aka shut down your ovaries, so you don't have an actual period.)

First, there's the study that says newer birth control pills don't increase your risk of gallbladder disease or gallstones any more than old pills! Whew, right? No sigh of relief allowed.

Ladies, we have some bad news. Remember the other day when the folks on Fox & Friends told us that we didn't need Planned Parenthood to get a pap smear? We could go to Walgreens! And so we pulled out our purdiest panties and started making plans to find a pharmacy near us.

But then came the bad news. Per an announcement yesterday, Walgreens doesn't offer pap smears after all. Wait, what? It turns out we were duped. Hoodwinked! Hornswoggled! And I was wearing my best Target panties to show the clerk when I dropped trou! Seriously, Walgreens, this was a dream opportunity for ladies America-wide that has been yanked out from under our feet.

For some crazy reason, Planned Parenthood is at the crux of a looming government shutdown. Playing their usual dirty games, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives aims to hold the government hostage in an attempt to pass through a budget that would defund family planning services. They say it's about abortion, but Planned Parenthood doesn't allocate any federal dollars to abortion services; instead, the funds are funnelled to breast cancer screenings, cervical cancer screenings, screenings and treatment for STDs (including HIV), general reproductive health and birth control.

Usually I can't stand when celebrities mouth off about politics, because I figure they should just stick to entertaining us. But given what is currently happening in Washington today, I feel very grateful to hear from actresses like Scarlett Johansson and Gwyneth Paltrow who are speaking out on behalf of millions of American women by standing up for Planned Parenthood.

Sometimes it sucks being a woman. I'm not going to deny it. Every lady out there is looking for the magic bullet, the promise to make the period less pain in the neck, more minor inconvenience. 

And along came the menstrual cup. Little silicone cups that catch your menstrual blood. No huge diaper-like contraption between your legs. No killing trees and filling landfills with those tampons and their cardboard applicators. Sounds like a dream come true, right? So why haven't we heard of them before?

The day you finally buck up and try your first tampon is like a little piece of heaven for a girl. I could wax poetic about the day you bid the diaper-like pads adieu, and taste freedom, heaven, nirvana. In fact, I just did.

But let me get this out there. No tampon is worth $76. Not even the O.B. tampons, which mysteriously disappeared from shelves last month and equally mysteriously reappeared this week. And yet there they are on eBay at prices like $84.90 for "Unopened O.B. OB Tampons ULTRA Purple Tampon 40 x 2 Box" and $76 for "3 Boxes O.B. OB Tampons ULTRA Purple Tampon 40 - 120ttl."

Sure, anyone can slap a crazy price on an eBay auction. But people are bidding on these. At $80 for tampons!