Well mom -- you did tell us. You said, "One day you will thank me!" You told us that again and again and again. Little did you know, while you thought we were ignoring you, we heard each and every bit of guidance you dished out. We just weren't ready to accept that you might be right -- about any of it. We know now that all of the nagging heartfelt advice really did mean something. We can see that now. And yes, while it is slightly annoying -- we are learning to appreciate your wisdom. See for yourself ...

I recently read a sentimental piece about the 30 things every woman should have and know by 30. Shockingly, I could check many of those items off my to-do list. What's more shocking is that I'm not 30 anymore, not even close.

A whole decade has passed. Where did it go? An amazing husband, multiple careers, a recession, two incredible children, and the blink of an eye later, I'm 40. There are many subtle yet life-changing differences a decade makes, which is why in my attempt to embrace existence (numberically speaking), I wrote this list. (This may not be as sentimental as its predecessor, but hey, I'm a humor columnist.)

By 40, you should have …

It's no secret that LeAnn Rimes has had her fair share of health issues within the last few years. Last year, the wife of Eddie Cibrian and arch nemesis of Real Housewife Brandi Glanville stepped out looking thinner than thin in a teeny bikini. More recently, pictures emerged of a recent vacation showcasing LeAnn's toned, healthier body -- I was proud of her (because we're besties, of course). But celebrity publicist Jonathon Jaxson is shedding new light on LeAnn's true habits in his book Don't You Know Who I Am Yet, claiming that the singer has a problem with laxative abuse.

According to Jaxson, he was with her manager once when LeAnn called asking for laxatives after noshing on a ton of food. That same manager told the publicist that Rimes takes them every day to maintain her bod. Holy whoa.

Let's be real: laxatives are nothing to mess around with. In fact, laxative abuse can be VERY dangerous to your body.

Have you ever found yourself distracted while driving? Maybe you are thinking about that beautiful pair of shoes that you just saw at Nordstrom or maybe you are daydreaming about the day when your kids will just let you pee in peace, eat warm food, or speak uninterrupted on the phone. Either way, whether you realize it or not, you are driving on the road distracted.

A new study claims that it’s more dangerous to daydream while driving than it is to use your iPhone while driving. You can consciously choose to answer your phone or text while you are driving, but daydreaming unconsciously happens. Sometimes you don’t even know it’s happening.

I can't envision myself at 100 years old. In a time when people wonder if our own water is making us ill, I think we all would be lucky to make it to 65. But a Washington, DC man has revealed the key to living 100-plus years. Problem is, it requires a sacrifice some of us may not be willing to make.

If you wear contact lenses, be prepared to be totally grossed out. But to learn something super important too. Eighteen-year-old Ashley Hyde is kind of like I was at that age -- she failed to regularly change her contact lenses. You don't think it's that much of a big deal, right? I mean, what can happen to a contact lens? Except, you know, a parasite eating your eyeball?!! Poor Ashley, a senior in high school, must have been pretty busy with school, because for whatever reason, she wasn't changing her contact lenses enough, and a parasite took advantage of this little clear platform on which it could feast on Ashley's peeper.

Like the majority of women in America, my weight has fluctuated since I was in high school. Since I’ve given birth twice in that time, it’s fluctuated wildly. Growing a human is hard work, man! In my case, it required bean and cheese burritos and fries. Hmmm … I don’t really wonder why I gained such a huge amount when pregnant with my eldest daughter.

My weight over the last decade and a half has ranged from 115 pounds as a vegetarian 16-year-old swimmer to number that started with two the day I gave birth to my first daughter, and everything in between. I’ve dealt with the stigma of being heavy and the contempt of others when I was thin and fit. It seems like you just can’t win as a woman sometimes.

My son has a case of IDWS (I Don Wanna-gota Skools). You know that illness that causes you to try any tactic to avoid the dreaded S-word?

Just today, he told me that he couldn't go to school because his stomach hurt ... and his leg ... and his elbow ... and he may have had a nasty hang nail .... REALLY? This is what you're going with? The old stomach/leg/elbow ache? Listen kiddo, I invented the 'sick' ploy and frankly, I expected more from you. So much more.

Look kids, don't act like you're disappointed too. I've got your number and I'm pretty sure my kid isn't the only one relying on such amateur techniques. Which is why I decided (as a seasoned pro) to give you youngsters some sound advice so you can stop embarrassing yourselves and make us proud.

These tips will help you gain your parent's sympathy and maybe even regain their respect. Good luck: