Gwyneth Paltrow’s Weird Vagina Treatment Is a Disaster Waiting to Happen

gwyneth paltrowToday is the day I discovered Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina gets better beauty treatments than my face does. In the latest Goop, Paltrow raves about the Mugworth V-Steam at LA's Tikkun Spa. And I know you're dying to find out what exactly this V-Steam entails.

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Paltrow explains: "You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al." Capiche? I'm not sure how much of that mugwort steam makes it past your cervix into your uterus, but you know your vagina's going to get plenty of hot air. I wonder how that feels?

Well, one woman (besides Paltrow) tried it out and calls it "sorcery for your vagina." Do tell! Apparently this is a traditional Korean treatment, and the herbs employed are believed to have antibiotic, anti-fungal, and healing powers.

But back to how it feels, Laura Hooper Beck writes in Fast Company, "I cannot tell a lie: At first, it feels incredibly weird to have hot wet air wafting into my cooch. My entire body tenses as I actively clench my vaginal muscles to protect myself from the invading shower of scorching steam." But then she relaxes into it. "It feels foreign, but not bad."

Beck leaves the spa with a "distinct feeling of emptiness." Is it the treatment, or is it because she's now $50 lighter? She admits you could do a hot bath, sauna, or "microwave a glass of lemon water and just squat over it for 10 minutes for very similar results."

Okay, deep breath. This sounds like it would be fun to try once in your life. But just like cleanses and colonics, it has a whiff of self loathing to me. It's one of those things you do if you feel, on some level, like your body is deeply unclean.

At least one gynecologist says steaming your vagina does more harm than good. "The upper and lower reproductive tracts have very intricate mechanisms for regulating local health and they are very easy to mess with," Dr. Jen Gunter writes in a blog post. "It’s a delicate garden, if you will. So one needs to be thoughtful, nay, conscious about what one uses in said garden." She goes on to explain how the steam from the plants could upset your carefully calibrated bacterial balance.

Not to mention, if you have a super-clean vagina, how are you going to feel about having sex? Are you going to insist your man undergo an extremely private spa treatment, too?

But apparently this is not just about "cleansing" -- it's about energy and balance. "It is an energetic release," Paltrow explains, "not just a steam douche -- that balances female hormone levels." Dr. Gunter calls BS on that claim, too.

Whatever. If you feel unclean, maybe douche your soul and send the $50 to Heifer so an impoverished woman can buy a goat. You know? Your vagina is just fine without all this tinkering.

What do you think of the V-Steam? Would you try it, or does it sound harmful?

 

Image via ACE/INFphoto.com/Splash News

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