'Alphabet' Body Types Are So Ridiculous They're Funny (PHOTOS)

Adriana Velez | Jan 31, 2014 Healthy Living
'Alphabet' Body Types Are So Ridiculous They're Funny (PHOTOS)

v-line bodyHey kids, there's a new, letter-based way to experience feelings of inadequacy and shame about your body. Thanks, Daily Mail! A couple weeks ago the tabloid ran a story on "Alphabetization," the new way to categorize body types. Supposedly they didn't invent this. They're pinning the blame for this trend on South Koreans. Whatever! Regardless of its origins, I think we can all agree it's super annoying.

So we've come up with an alphabet all of our own. It's based on women's real bodies -- and I roped some Stir staffers to demonstrate them for you. Do these look familiar?

  • This S-Line Does Not Occur in Nature, Just Saying

    1

    Supposedly the S-line is the most coveted body shape -- we're talking Kim Kardashian's extreme hourglass. Orly, world? This is what you want? Since this body does not exist in the world naturally we had a little fun doing a little temporary plastic surgery. We stuffed this petite woman's sweater and jeans to give her Kim's ample bustline and booty. Man, all we'll say is, we're glad we don't have to carry around all that extra va-voom on a small frame every day.

  • The X-Line Is an Action Pose

    2

    The X-line is supposed to be all about long, skinny limbs and a narrow waist. We're not quite sure where the X comes in there -- that kind of body looks more like a game of pick-up sticks. THIS is an X shape. Put your arms in the air like you just don't care ... whether or not you look like Cara Delevigne!

  • The U-Line Turned Upside-Down

    3

    The U-line refers to a low-cut backless dress. How is this a body type? It describes the clothes! Whatever. Here's a beloved pooch doing an upside-down U with her front paws. This makes as much sense as the other U-line, as far as we're concerned. Guess which one we prefer? Yap!

  • This V-Line Is Full of Vim and Vigor

    4

    The V-line is when you pose for a selfie with bottles framing your jaw to give it a V shape. I guess? Or maybe you're already born with a heart-shaped face. Whatever. Turn that wan smile upside-down and try out this more athletic V-line instead. Whee!

  • The D-Line Anyone Can Pull Off

    5

    So if you're pregnant, your profile forms the letter D. We're so glad the Daily Mail figured this out. We ran out of pregnant ladies at the CafeMom office (as far as I know!) so a volunteer here faked a baby bump for us. As it happens, this is the most attainable body shape on the list.

  • The B-Line Is All About Boobs & Belly

    6

    Basically, the B-line is big boobs and a bit of belly. It's Kim Kardashian without the tiny waist. We couldn't find anyone who would volunteer for this shape, and the guys were starting to feel left out. So we faked it with strategically-placed rolls of toilet paper.

  • The O-Line Is Just Being Rude

    7

    The O-line is the term tabloids use when they want to cruelly shame a woman for putting on a few pounds. Since this shape is also not naturally occurring (hello, who is actually spherical???), we had to find an real sphere. How you like us now!

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