Is there anything worse than a road trip with kids?

Short answer: Being torn apart by jackals, maybe. But not much else. 

Of course, that doesn’t make for a very good blog post, so I’ll give you the long answer: No, few things are worse than a holiday road trip, and here are seven reasons why ...

1. Kids make noise. Unless they’re asleep. The FDA hasn’t yet approved the safe use of chloroform by mothers on road trips, so that means I’m trapped in a small metal box with a bunch of tiny sub-humans who are talking, singing, whining, crying, or shouting that—God forbid—someone touched them. To which I reply, “Someone sitting six inches away from you has touched you! The nerve! Shove that jerk out of the car right now. NO STOP—I’M JUST KIDDING.”

2. Trips take time. Children have no sense of time, even with time-telling electronic devices right the hell in front of their faces. That’s why we’ve enacted the “luggage rack” rule: For every time you ask “How much longer?” you get to spend 15 miles strapped to the luggage rack on the top of the car. Ask me if I’m kidding. I dare you.

3. My poor, poor car. There seems to be no end to the crumbs in the seat, and red gummy snacks in the carpet, and sticky blue residue from a drink box geyser, and used Band-Aids on the glass because someone decided the window needed decorating. Oh, and shoe prints on the ceiling. How does that happen?

4. Unsynchronized elimination. Or, in other words, no one has to pee at the same time. Someone announces they have to go. We stop. Everyone piles out but not everyone goes to the bathroom because they are suddenly too interested in begging for snacks. They forget about their near-bursting bladders. Which means those who conveniently “forgot to go” will remember in the very next town. Look, dammit, we’re a family. Can’t we poop together?

5. Carsickness. Tight, enclosed places with lots of people—even small people—lends itself to horrible smells, abject boredom, too-intense focus on a tiny screen, too much snacking on products cajoled out of us at the non-pooping rest stop, and then ... projectile vomiting. See also #3.

6. Traffic and construction. Airports are hell during the holidays, but the interstate highway system can be its own special kind of hell, especially when it enters a city. Everyone expects people to fly during the holidays, so we all decide to hit the road. The state also expects everyone to fly during the holidays, so they schedule road construction in December. Then millions of us end up wedged into a single interminable lane moving at the pace of an arthritic snail. In the snow. Brilliant. This leads to ...

7. Road rage. Yes, Mommy said those words we’re not supposed to use around Grandma. Yes, Mommy pointed her middle finger at the guy in the hardhat. Yes, Mommy collected your vomit in the empty 32-ounce Styrofoam cup you just spilled on your brother and, yes, Mommy threw it at the jackass on the motorcycle. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!?

We turn around to come home tomorrow. Or we might just move to South Carolina to avoid the ride home.

 

Image via Scary Mommy