40 Things That Happen When You Turn 40

40th birthday cakeThe oh so young Miley Cyrus says people stop having sex at 40. There are people 40 years old and older laughing at this while basking in an afterglow. Like Suzanne Somers who at 66 says she has sex twice a day. Now don't feel inadequate -- it's not always quantity but quality, right? Or at least something to look forward to when you reach your 60s -- lots of sex. Maybe she just has more time on her hands. Sex doesn't end -- it doesn't have to. Unless of course you twerk so much in your 20s that your back is so screwed up by the time you reach 40 that you can't do the deed anymore. Let that be a lesson, twerkers.

There are, however, plenty of things that do happen when you turn 40. Things you will embrace, things you will celebrate, and things that will have you freaking out begging for your 30s back. Sorry, no refunds. Check out these 40 things that happen when you turn 40.

  1. You bones start cracking more than your old wood floors. Only you think those old wood floor creaking sounds are charming and your bones are making that sound pathetic.
  2. You no longer can read a menu without squinting or using the table candle to see better.
  3. You sort of stop caring about the grays. You convince yourself they are cool.
  4. Your hands start to look like your mother's hands, which you love of course, but you always sort of freaked out about how old your mother's hands looked.
  5. Strange and very long hairs suddenly appear on your chin. And your nipples. And in other weird areas.
  6. Sex gets better. You're more comfortable in your body now and you know how to ask for what you want. Hear that? Sex gets better!!
  7. Your bedtime, however, gets earlier.
  8. You start calling 25-year-olds kids.
  9. Your back hurts.
  10. So does your neck.
  11. Your shoulders, too.
  12. You look at photos of yourself from five years ago that you remember hating and think, I looked so good back then.
  13. Five years ago felt like yesterday.
  14. You start drinking more coffee.
  15. You can't drink as much booze. Well, you can. But you pay for it dearly the next day.
  16. You realize you have to now get mammograms every year. And you do it but it scares you. But you do it. (Don't forget.)
  17. You think everyone you meet is younger than you.
  18. Weird things start happening with your period.
  19. When you're in the maxi-pad and tampon aisle, you see the adult diapers and worry about your incontinence. (Will a maxi-pad work just as well? you wonder.)
  20. Your hair is thinner and not nearly as shiny so you start buying those fancy and expensive conditioners.
  21. You pick up a new vice. Maybe it's biting your nails or the inside of your mouth or picking at the new hairs sprouting up on your chin.
  22. You realize you are half way to 80. HALF WAY! WTF?
  23. Cosmo mag starts feeling too young for you to read.
  24. The clothes you had in high school are considered vintage.
  25. Ma'am happens. Yes, people start calling you ma'am. The cute boy you thought was flirting with you at the coffee shop gave you your change and called you ma'am making you realize there was no way he was flirting with you.
  26. But when some fool asks for your ID it's the best day of the year and you tell everyone you know that you got carded.
  27. You forget things. Things you shouldn't forget. Like what you ate for breakfast.
  28. Brunch doesn't exist anymore. Unless you want to eat eggs once at 9 a.m. then again at 1 p.m.
  29. You talk about cleaning products like you used to talk about cool bands.
  30. Country music starts to sound cooler.
  31. You stop caring what people think. And this is awesome.
  32. You finally learn how to say no. And this is awesomer.
  33. You weeded out all your insane friends. Awesome times a million!
  34. You may have more one-piece bathing suits than bikinis now.
  35. Metabolism is your nemesis.
  36. You have stories. Incredible tales of your youth when you were wild and carefree and they are the best stories ever.
  37. You care about things. Like really care.
  38. You realize you are more awesome now than you were at 20 and that all the crap you worried about then didn't matter.
  39. You are told you don't look 40 and that makes you both happy and sad.
  40. You realize 40 isn't THAT old.

How much can you relate? Which ones have happened to you so far?


Image via Dave Haygarth/Flickr

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