At a conference I attended last year, I heard the amazing Brene Brown give a speech about move-a-body-friends (MABFs): People you could call in the middle of the night to come over and, say, dispose of a body ... no questions asked.

At first I thought, Well, who of my friends has the right girth and strength to take on such a task? Next I thought, Who will I have to “off” to test that my supposed “Move-a-Body” friends will follow through? Then it dawned on me, Brene was simply speaking metaphorically, and I put down the knife.

So, I thought I’d check with one of my besties to see if she would move a body for me, or at least share one of those "Best Friend" necklaces. Here's how that awkward conversation went down:

Me: Hey.

Possible MABF: Hi. What’s up?

Me: I just wanted to see if you would move a body for me?

MABF: Wait, say that again?

Me: Would you move a body for me?

MABF: Move one, like in Desperate Housewives?

Me: Yep.

MABF: How did it die?

Me: Does that matter?

MABF: Well, did you kill it on purpose? Look, if it was Mark, I would do it, obviously, but other than that, I’d want to know if it was an accident.

How quickly we assume it’s the husband?

Me: Fine, let’s say it was on purpose? Let’s say Mark made that weird chewing sound he makes when he eats bagels, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I beat him with the cream cheese container.

MABF: Really, that’s your weapon of choice, cream cheese?

Me: I’m assuming it would be in the heat of the moment, and that would be the nearest thing.

MABF: Do you have any idea how long it would take to off someone with a plastic container? I don’t know if this is a well thought out plan.

Me: I’m NOT MAKING A PLAN, I’m just assessing the level of our friendship!

MABF: Well, what condition is the body in; is it all mangled? I have a weak stomach, you know.

Me: I just told you I'd beaten him with a cream cheese container, I don’t think mangling will be involved. Maybe some curdling, if we let him sit too long. I want you to know, I’m starting to rethink our friendship.

MABF: Why do we have to move it? Couldn’t we just say it was self-defense?

Me: Fine, but in that scenario, you’d have to rough me up to make it look real.

MABF: Yeah, I could do that.

Me: I feel like you answered that so effortlessly and yet the rest of this pow-wow isn’t going the way I’d hoped.

MABF: Look, I wouldn’t rule the whole disposal thing out, I’d just have to know a little more.

Me: Is that your way of saying you’d be up for the conversation?

MABF: Would it go like this, "Hey Tracey, what did you get at Saks yesterday? What are you making for dinner? What should I do with the body in my kitchen?"

Me: Yes ... but frankly, I wouldn’t care what you’re making for dinner unless you were planning on inviting me.

MABF: Then sure why not? Would you have extra bagels?

Me: Yep.

MABF: I’m in. So, what are you doing for breakfast, I'm hungry.

As it turns out, I do have an MABF; a meticulous, crafty one, who's willing to rough me up, if necessary. I'm so lucky!

What would you do for your Move-a-Body friends?

 

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