Follow The Stir

Did That Really Happen?

Say What!?

10 Things in Your House That Are Killing You Slowly & How to Survive

by Jenny Isenman on February 22, 2013 at 1:00 PM

During a spa trip for my 40th, it became apparent that when seven moms get together for some R&R, they become alarmists. Yep, we spent much of our "relaxation" time discussing what to avoid and how it could kill you.

I know, you totally want to party with us.

We couldn't even escape our cynical chit chat by catching a flick on pay-per-view. Who was going to risk their lives and touch the germ-laden hotel remote? Someone also mentioned that one should avoid handling menus. Needless to say, this made ordering dinner quite difficult. Thankfully, it didn't hamper the flow of sarcasm and margaritas (my favorite combo).

After my vacay I posted, "A Sarcastic Look at 19 Common Things That'll Kill Ya" and was relieved to learn that I'm not the only lame-o who sits around discussing this crap. So, here's a list of more everyday things I've actually been told to avoid, just don't quote me on the effects.

Reading this list can cause ironic revelations, incontinence, and typhoid:

1. Get rid of your granite countertops -- they give off radon, which is linked to cancer and low scores when bowling.

2. Look crappy -- the phthalates in cosmetic products and shampoos will screw with your hormones and make you speak in a French accent.

3. Don't use fabric softener -- it's toxic and causes you to dream about having sex with Donald Trump.

4. Forget to floss -- you'll probably get plaque in your arteries and you may acquire scurvy.

5. Don't turn the lights on in the middle of the night -- it can cause brain tumors and illiteracy.

6. Cellphone danger -- you have to touch metal before you get back in the car at a gas station or a spark from your cellphone could make you explode or lower your SAT score (even if you took the test 20 years ago).

7. Don't dry clean your clothes -- the noxious fumes are carcinogenic and may cause an outbreak of consumption.

8. Hello halitosis -- avoid toothpaste and mouthwash, they can have triclosan, which is toxic. I think it gives you leprosy (but I'm not sure).

9. Bye-bye burgers -- charred meats increases the risk of pancreatic cancer and enjoying your meal.

10. Have a smelly home -- air fresheners have phthalates, which will make you moody and will give your cat dementia. I'm not sure about the cat part, but better to be safe ... 

Good luck out there, I'll be in my home (dirty and makeup-less) flossing my vegetarian diet from my teeth while talking on a land line, far away from my countertops and anything that's ever gone through the washing machine or the dry cleaners.

Either that or I'll be hang gliding. Frankly, what's the diff?

Do you heed ALL of the warnings or does this make you think, "What's the point?"


Image Via Jenny Iseman/TheSuburbanJungle.com

Filed Under: nutrition, safety, decorating, going green, home safety, kitchen, organics, diets, general health, hormonal imbalances, stress, general hilarity, makeup, trends

Comments

24
  • cleig...
    --

    cleigh717

    February 22, 2013 at 1:21 PM
    Umm . . . Some of these toxins r worth avoiding. Burgers promote heart disease and high blood pressure, your mouth is sensitive and highly penetrable. Using a safer toothpaste would not harm you. There r natural remedies for bad breath and a smelly house. Add a cup of vinegar with your wash load and u won't need fabric softener. Just because I don't use antiperspirant doesn't mean I spend my days stinking.
    Maybe u shud do some research instead of depending on pigeon-holed gossip. And there r toxin-free makeups out there too. If u just do this it would make a difference. Your skin is your largest organ and your face skin is sensitive. Earth-friendly makeups r lighter and let your skin breathe.
  • lulou
    --

    lulou

    February 22, 2013 at 1:22 PM

    The one I remember most is to try to stay away from the milk with the growth hormones to help with fertility issues.  Or even milk in general.  (Well I think if you get whole it has something in it that helps)  But it made total sense when thinking about how nursing at some extent works as birth control, so you have to wonder if or how much even cows/goats, etc hormones, particularily the jacked up ones, could mess with you. 


  • lalab...
    --

    lalaboosh

    February 22, 2013 at 3:27 PM
    Ummm... It's easy to remedy most of that. Dr. Bronner's, vinegar, essential oils, ect. My house isn't smelly, I'm not smelly, I look good, my clothes are soft, my teeth are clean. Sounds like you hang out with alarmists with no creativity or problem solving skills.
  • nicki...
    --

    nicki.hemingway

    February 22, 2013 at 3:48 PM

     

    2. There are plenty of products without these chemicals. You just need to learn to *gasp* read the ingredient list. 

    3. Not necessary.  Haven't used it in years.  It's called wool dryer balls.  

    5. Why would you do this?  Seriously though.

     

    7. Also not necessary.  It's called spot cleaning.  If you must dry clean something there are "green" alternatives. 

    8. There are also chemical free products.  

    9. Again heart disease, or just don't burn your burgers.  

    10. Vinegar, Dr. Bronners and water keep my home clean ^^


  • mommy...
    --

    mommyof5cutties

    February 22, 2013 at 5:15 PM
    ......... so when was health a joke?
  • Tracy
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Tracy

    February 23, 2013 at 3:51 PM
    It seems that no one has a sense of humor any longer...
  • Chari...
    --

    Charizma77

    February 27, 2013 at 11:04 AM

    I thought this was funny..So many uptight people anymore. 


  • Andrea
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Andrea

    February 27, 2013 at 11:11 AM
    There are a massive amount of toxins in our daily products/lives/food that we need steer completely clear of. When they are made light of, it may make those who may not know about them take them lightly, when what they should be doing is purging their home of them. I'm not saying that everything on your list was necessarily dangerous, but there are many things that are. I believe you would be better served by writing an article that addresses these toxins from a factual and serious standpoint.
  • Cara...
    -- Facebook comment from

    Cara Petree

    February 27, 2013 at 11:13 AM

    im really not sure what was so funny about this article or where the joke was? im very concerned with all these (except turning on the light at night and causing a fire at a gas station, and i've never heard of the counterop thing?) anyway, it sounds like shes making fun of anyone who takes their health and the health of their family serious! not funny at all and she came off as very ignorant and quite stupid actually. 


  • Annie W.
    -- Nonmember comment from

    Annie W.

    February 27, 2013 at 11:15 AM
    Whew! I was worried that getting a little older had made me lose my sense of humor. THANK YOU. While I actually DO avoid/follow most of the statements in your list, I can still LAUGH at how it seems almost EVERYTHING is DANGEROUS these days. I may not see the humor in some things but I still know a lot of other things are funny! LOL.
1-10 of 24 comments

To leave a comment, log in as a CafeMom member:

Log In

OR, use our non-member comment form: