During a spa trip for my 40th, it became apparent that when seven moms get together for some R&R, they become alarmists. Yep, we spent much of our "relaxation" time discussing what to avoid and how it could kill you.
I know, you totally want to party with us.
We couldn't even escape our cynical chit chat by catching a flick on pay-per-view. Who was going to risk their lives and touch the germ-laden hotel remote? Someone also mentioned that one should avoid handling menus. Needless to say, this made ordering dinner quite difficult. Thankfully, it didn't hamper the flow of sarcasm and margaritas (my favorite combo).
After my vacay I posted, "A Sarcastic Look at 19 Common Things That'll Kill Ya" and was relieved to learn that I'm not the only lame-o who sits around discussing this crap. So, here's a list of more everyday things I've actually been told to avoid, just don't quote me on the effects.
Reading this list can cause ironic revelations, incontinence, and typhoid:
1. Get rid of your granite countertops -- they give off radon, which is linked to cancer and low scores when bowling.
2. Look crappy -- the phthalates in cosmetic products and shampoos will screw with your hormones and make you speak in a French accent.
3. Don't use fabric softener -- it's toxic and causes you to dream about having sex with Donald Trump.
4. Forget to floss -- you'll probably get plaque in your arteries and you may acquire scurvy.
5. Don't turn the lights on in the middle of the night -- it can cause brain tumors and illiteracy.
6. Cellphone danger -- you have to touch metal before you get back in the car at a gas station or a spark from your cellphone could make you explode or lower your SAT score (even if you took the test 20 years ago).
7. Don't dry clean your clothes -- the noxious fumes are carcinogenic and may cause an outbreak of consumption.
8. Hello halitosis -- avoid toothpaste and mouthwash, they can have triclosan, which is toxic. I think it gives you leprosy (but I'm not sure).
9. Bye-bye burgers -- charred meats increases the risk of pancreatic cancer and enjoying your meal.
10. Have a smelly home -- air fresheners have phthalates, which will make you moody and will give your cat dementia. I'm not sure about the cat part, but better to be safe ...
Good luck out there, I'll be in my home (dirty and makeup-less) flossing my vegetarian diet from my teeth while talking on a land line, far away from my countertops and anything that's ever gone through the washing machine or the dry cleaners.
Either that or I'll be hang gliding. Frankly, what's the diff?
Do you heed ALL of the warnings or does this make you think, "What's the point?"
Image Via Jenny Iseman/TheSuburbanJungle.com