Horrifying New Diet Device Sucks Food Out of Your Stomach After You Eat

stomach pumpI've felt for years that there aren't enough man-made, unnatural holes in our abdomens, and finally, science has righted that wrong. Straight from the guy who invented the Segway to help you walk less comes a dieting device that will turn your stomach into a vacuum cleaner bag.

Here's how it works: twenty minutes after you eat, open the valve you had surgically installed in your gut and pump out the contents. It's as simple as 1, 2, holy shit, oh god, oh god oh god oh god, are those my insides?!


It's a terrifying thought, but apparently it works. People who've test run this pump-thingy lost on average 44 pounds. Like gastric bypass, this device is intended for the morbidly obese but is, for some reason, considered safer.

It's not all valves and games, though. There are some issues. The pump reportedly can't handle things like steak, chips, Chinese food, and other heavy foods. (I'd venture to guess that if you had a diet of light fare, you probably wouldn't need a DIY stomach pump to begin with, but who knows.)

I'm all for innovations in fight against obesity, but this seems a little, how you say, crazy. Maybe I'm alone there, and maybe in 10 years we'll all have dinner together then communally pump out the food in the parking lot, but I'm skeptical that this thing will catch on.

I'm now also slightly and irrevocably obsessed with thinking about what kind of sound and smell would be released when you opened the valve. Would it make a sound like a soda can being opened? Or like a twist-off beer? Or would it sound like the deflation of an air mattress? And as far as the smell goes, well, yikes. I can't help but assume it wouldn't be completely dissimilar to that of a dead cat and unpumpable General Tso's.

Would you try this stomach sucker outer diet device?


Photo via dualdflipflop/Flickr

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