Drink up.T-minus one day until Thanksgiving, everyone! You know what that means? T-minus one day until you hate your mother-in-law more than usual, up your Klonopin dosage, and spend the day more or less stifling tears, because when family gets together -- and interrupts your perfectly happy life -- it's a bad scene. And it can make you feel like you're 9 years old again, which is never fun.
A word of advice: Go in prepared. Expect the worse. Know that the minute you walk into your sister's home, she's going to give you a once-over (and it's going to upset you). And, of course, have comebacks ready in the chamber for the questions and comments you know are coming.
Here are 12 pre-packaged comebacks for you. Pre-packaged like your Aunt Sally's stuffing. (That's right, Aunt Sally, we know your "secret".)
Question: Still single, huh? When do you think you're going to get engaged?
Answer: When you stop asking.
Question: You've been married five minutes already. When do you think you'll have a baby?
Answer: Not sure, but we've been trying non-stop, if you know what I'm saying.
Question: You look like you lost weight. Are you eating?
Answer: No, I'm not eating. In fact, this is the first meal I've had in weeks.
Comment: You look ... healthy.
Answer: I'm pregnant, didn't you hear?
Comment: You know, your cousin is pregnant. Just saying ...
Answer: I know, I heard! Did she find out who the father is yet?
Question: But are you happy?
Answer: I was yesterday.
Comment: Don't you think you've had enough wine?
Answer: Being that I'm sober enough to be annoyed by that comment, no.
Comment: Oh, the baby's fine. Don't be such a worrier.
Answer: You're right. What was I thinking wanting to tend to my crying child? Next thing you know I'm going to want to change her diaper.
Comment: The baby can have a little bit of gravy. It's fine. You kids and your "rules" these days.
Answer: Your generation smoked when they were pregnant.
Comment: [If you're pregnant] You look huge! You must be due any day now!
Answer: Oh, I didn't tell you, I already gave birth. This is all just baby weight now. Awk-ward.
Comment: When you were little, I would have never let you get away with that.
Answer: Which is exactly why I am.
Question: Do you want leftovers?
Answer: No. I'm good. I don't want any souvenirs from tonight, but thanks!
Does getting together with family bring out the worst in you?
Image via Muffet/Flickr