10 Desperate Lengths Moms Go to for Privacy

I took a conference call last week on the toilet. Actually, it gets worse: I took a conference call while standing on the toilet and whispering so my kids wouldn't be able to find me. When they did, I muted the phone so I could hiss, "Get out of here THIS MINUTE and leave me ALONE." Except that I didn't actually press mute.

Oh, the joys of working from home.

Fortunately, I'm not the only mother who has resorted to such lows for a little privacy. Here are some of my favorite Scary Mommy Confessions on the subject ...


1. Figured out a way to get some time to myself. I went in my room, closed the door, and hung a sign that read, "Do not enter, mom is naked." Worked like a charm.

2. I can hear little people looking for me. I am hiding in the closet for some me time.

3. I love my husband dearly, but some days I think it would be good to get a divorce so we could split custody and I could actually have time to myself for a change.

4. I'm supposed to be working out. I got dressed and drove to the gym. I'm sitting in the parking lot playing Angry Birds. This is the only alone time I get. I just don't have it in me today.

More from The Stir: 25 All-Time Favorite Mommy Confessions

5. I love playing hide and seek with my children. They still haven't caught on to the fact that I hide in a different bed every time. Best way ever to sneak in a cat nap.

6. I pretend to have IBS, but really, I just sit in the bathroom endlessly playing on my iPhone. Periodically, I flush the toilet and grunt. 

7. I gave up privacy the day I became a mother. I mourn it every single day. 

8. I go to great lengths to get away from my children. I am currently typing this while hiding out on my son's bunk bed, literally under the blanket. 

9. I wear headphones almost constantly. "SORRY, KIDS! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!"

10. The real prep for motherhood was the dump I took on the delivery table with my first daughter. Haven't gone to the bathroom without an audience since.

Image via Scary Mommy

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