I was flipping through a magazine the other day and came across an article featuring a roundup of fashion picks for a girls' night out. I lingered over the photos of cute dresses and chunky necklaces and thought about how my typical wardrobe consists of yoga pants and a Humane Society t-shirt featuring an unfortunately boob-centric cartoon hamster design on the front.
I also thought about how my last girls' night out was seven months ago, when I went to BlogHer in San Diego. The girls' night out before that? BlogHer 2010, I think.
I don't get out very often, is what I'm saying. Or more accurately, I don't socialize much outside of my family. Or more (humiliatingly) accurately still, I have virtually no local friends whatsoever.
This isn't really by choice, although it's true that I'm shy and socially anxious and introverted and I have a nearly pathological fear of rejection that makes it very difficult for me to reach out to people or even accept their overtures. It's also true that I'm great at making excuses! If you need more: I have an isolating work-from-home job, everyone I know in Seattle lives at least half an hour away, and a tiny yet deadly robot has been programmed to follow my every move and thwart any burgeoning friendships I may attempt.
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(I admit I have no actual proof of that last one, but it sounds better than admitting that I utterly fail at Adult Human Contact 101.)
This feels like one of my more embarrassing confessions, and believe me, I've gone public with more than a handful of personal shortcomings. It's just, you know, what kind of loser has no friends—at 38 years old?
It's been so long since I've struck up a relationship with someone outside of the Internet, I wonder if I haven't completely lost the ability. At school pickups and dropoffs, everyone has the faint Do Not Disturb vibe of impatient passengers at a bus stop. At playgrounds, I can't imagine inserting myself into a group of chatting moms in order to join the conversation. At the grocery store, I'm too focused on corralling my feral aisle-rampaging children to bond with another adult over the deliciousness of Deli Rye Triscuits.
More excuses, really. The fact is, I keep to myself, and other than offering a quick smile, I never approach other people or say hello. That's just my nature, and it's not because I'm purposefully standoffish, it's because I find it nearly impossible to overcome my inherent shyness.
I wonder, though, if I also created this loner existence because I've come to value alone time so much. I'm surrounded by so much noise and chaos on a daily basis, my idea of heaven is an silent hotel room, a pile of trashy magazines, and zero obligations to fulfill. Do I choose to live a life that's devoid of girls' nights out because I recharge by solitude instead of socializing? Or am I missing out on important relationships that would provide some much-needed balance to my parenting-centric life?
I'm honestly not sure. Ironically, the thing that makes me feel the most alone is thinking I'm the only one who's like this—generally happy, busy, and surrounded by love ... but completely lacking in the friendship department. It makes me wonder, sometimes: is there something wrong with me?
Can you identify with this at all? Or have you always had a thriving social life?
Image via Flickr/alexfrance
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Comments 92
This has been on my mind a lot lately. In my 20's & most of my 30's, my group of friends was a good sized number and they were more important to me than my family. Most of them live in Florida though, and since we moved out of the state a few years ago, I haven't made any significant new friends beyond the occasional coworker go-to-lunch-together type person. I communicate with my long distance friends on a regular basis, but other than that it's the husband and his family now. It bothers me but I guess not to the point I've done anything to change it.
I know part of it is my problem. I suck when it comes to calling people and never really want to organize any nights out. Not because I don't want to but because I never want to seem like I'm intruding on someone else's time. It's always been difficult for me to take a first step, although I do smile and try to appear friendly.
I guess some of us are programmed the same way.
When I became a parent I went from 0 friends to having tons of friends. MNO monthly, playdates, etc all the time. I got divorced and everyone ran for the hills. Not one friend stuck around, no one called when my daughter was in the hospital, no one emailed, no one even commented on Facebook to ask if she was okay. Because apparently when you go through a divorce you're suddenly not good enough to be part of the Married Mom's Club (here's hoping none of them ever have to go through it). So for the last year and a half I've not gone out with anyone or really talked to anyone outside of my family (I've tried but the people I thought were friends literally don't respond anymore).
It's really sad though. And being a single full-time working mother I find it hard to even meet people anymore because all the other single working mothers are too busy to even do anything.
I think the whole friends thing goes in cycles. There have been times in my life when I had very few or no friends aside from family and then I would start a new job or enter another phase in my life and make friends. I retired two years ago and love my life now as a travel writer but it takes effort to stay friends with those I care about since I don't see them regularly at work, etc. We have a monthly girls night out and I make that special effort to arrange lunch plans, etc. Having said all that, I think it does take some effort to make friends and getting over a bit of shyness, which I also have. Those you are meant to be friends with though will gravitate to you naturally in any group - and those you will instantly dislike will also become obvious! I just experienced this in a new group and was interested that things have not changed in that way since I was in high school. If you are content in your life now, don't worry. Those friendships will come.