Military Fart Ban Is a Real Stinker

marineWelp! Just about time to cross "write post about farts" off the old bucket list because ... here goes folks: According to the Military Times, audible farting has been banned for some Marines. That's right. Marines who work downrange around Afghan citizens have been forbidden to exercise their reflex to expel intestinal gas through their anuses. You know what that means: No more loud farts, toots, air muffins, air biscuits, death breaths, bean blowers, or gas blasters.

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Am I making myself clear?

Cussing and discussion about politics or women are also banned since those things are found offensive too. Those I can see, but a ban on loud farts seems weird. I mean, is it happening so frequently that it needs to be condemned and eliminated? Are our Marines passing gas that much? If so, I think we need to look at the food supply because, yikes, that doesn't sound right.

Who knows what this fart embargo will mean for the Marines downrange. Holding it in can be kind of uncomfortable, if not unhealthy. I agree that a certain level of decorum and respect is absolutely necessary, but I really can't imagine that audible farts are such a problem that they need to be reeled in. Maybe I'm naive, but dang! How loud are these things? And why aren't these gas bombs being swallowed up by the intense military uniform? Those unis look thick.

Anyway, if these Marines are so flatulent, we could be overlooking a natural source of tear gas. Instead of banning the stuff, maybe they should bottle it. The few, the proud, the flatulent. Semper farts.

What do you think of the audible fart ban?


Photo via DVIDSHUB/Flickr

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