Coffee Makes You See Unicorns? I’ll Take a Venti!

Nicole Fabian-Weber

coffeeHey, guess what, everybody? Coffee is bad for you. There, that's all you needed to kick your bank account-draining Starbucks habit, right? Your fancy Nespresso is in the trash, correct? The French press, too?

The seven-millionth study has come out to tell you why it's right to give up the hot, delicious, totally-necessary beverage -- and this one isn't boasting results of high blood pressure and increased stress. It's saying that if you drink too much of it, you'll have hallucinations and will hear Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" in your head. So ... that's not normal?

The study went like this: A bunch of British science-y people in lab coats fed 92 people crap-loads of coffee. Then they played white noise for them and told the subjects to push a button when they heard "White Christmas" in the background. The subjects pushed the buttons and the British scientists laughed and laughed, because, lo and behold, there was no "White Christmas" in the background! What a bunch of morons, right? I mean, a person who didn't drink a lot of coffee would never think they heard something someone told them they were hearing.

Jank study aside, though, coffee is bad. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. There have been countless studies that show negative effects, ranging from insomnia to cancer. Yet we still drink it. All day, every day. Personally, I'm only a morning coffee drinker, but even then I overdo it. Just today, I noticed I was inadvertently holding my breath while my heart raced and I sweat profusely. What did I do? Had another half a cup! It's sick and disgusting. It's a drug!

And a highly addictive one at that. Which is why I don't think for a split second that anybody is going to give up coffee because of some study that came out. I think we'll stop smoking. I think we'll use our cellphones less. I think we won't microwave plastic. But coffee is the one thing that is bigger than any study a bunch of big-brained scientists can do. Sorry. Starbucks trumps the universe. And I bet if it weren't for a cup each morning, those brainiacs wouldn't be able to function.

Will any study ever deter you from drinking coffee?


Image via Qole Pejorian/Flickr

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