Have You Spring Cleansed Your Intestines Yet?

Adriana Velez
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master cleanse
Your refrigerator on the Master Cleanse
It's time to help your body feel the same way on the inside as the world feels on the outside. Warm and green! Wait, that's not exactly what I mean. Bright and tweety? Sunshiny and flowery?

But here's the thing -- detox cleanses are endorsed more by movie stars like Matthew Morrison and Gwyneth Paltrow than by nutritionists. Why is that? Is it because actors deal with fantasy and nutritionists are, you know, all science-y? Darn nutritionists! It doesn't matter, though, because looking through the following list of detox cleanses, I'm quite sure I could never follow through on any cleanse.

Master Cleanse: You've probably already heard about this one -- 8-12 glasses of water with lemon juice, maple syrup, and paprika every day until you look like one of the Olsen sisters and start hearing voices. I think you're allowed to supplement with mint tea if you get really super hungry.

Scientology detox: Called the Purification Rundown, L. Ron Hubbard's cleanse amounts to taking "vitamin bombs" (huge amounts of vitamin supplements), exercise, and 5-hour stints in the sauna for weeks. 

Fat Flush Long Life Cocktail: This is part of the Fat Flush cleanse, which, compared with the other cleanses here, doesn't sound too horrible. But you start each day with a cocktail of cranberry juice diluted in water and psyllium husk powder (psyllium has been used in Ayurvedic medicine for GI problems). I hear it's gross.

Blue Print Cleanse: Juice, the whole juice, and nothing but the juice. Six a day! And it'll set you back around $85 a day. There are three different programs that vary only in the ratio of green juices to fruit juices. Another distinctive feature: pretty bottles.

The Sweet Potato Cleanse: To prepare for his shirtless cover on Details magazine, Glee's Matthew Morrison ate nothing but sweet potatoes for three days. Morrison says, “The potato acts as a sponge and your body literally shrinks and gets ripped and tight.” Hmm, riiiiiight, because you've pretty much sucked every last bit of water out of your cells. Still, you really should have a look at the (probably not Photoshopped very much) results.

Hallelujah Diet: This cleanse has you drinking green smoothies for breakfast every morning and eating 85 percent raw foods and 15 percent cooked foods. I'm not sure how Jesus comes in. Maybe you praise the Lord when it's all over?

Ionic Foot Bath: Apparently you can excrete toxins through your feet. All you have to do is spend $750 on a special foot bath that sends ions on a toxin-sucking spree. Beats starving yourself, right? Unfortunately the only thing it detoxes is your wallet. Sounds relaxing, though.

Do cleanses work for you?


Image via Casey Serin/Flickr

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