Walgreens Pap Smear? Oh H*&# Yeah!

Jeanne Sager

walgreensLadies, we have some bad news. Remember the other day when the folks on Fox & Friends told us that we didn't need Planned Parenthood to get a pap smear? We could go to Walgreens! And so we pulled out our purdiest panties and started making plans to find a pharmacy near us.

But then came the bad news. Per an announcement yesterday, Walgreens doesn't offer pap smears after all. Wait, what? It turns out we were duped. Hoodwinked! Hornswoggled! And I was wearing my best Target panties to show the clerk when I dropped trou! Seriously, Walgreens, this was a dream opportunity for ladies America-wide that has been yanked out from under our feet.

Picture the experience. Wearing the aforementioned pretty panties, we wander into the local pharmacy chain for our pap smear/Diet Pepsi and chocolate bar/prescription herpes medication refill fix. With the current price of gasoline, this sort of one-stop shop is just what we ladies need to make ends meet.

Wandering into the aisle where we regularly pick up Granny's Depends, we spot the table in a room off to the side of the store. There are big windows around it, but there are blinds that may or may not be bent in a million different places, rendering them completely useless. But really, all a lady needs is a table to lie down on and spread her legs, right?

And there it is. It's blue, cushy, and that homeless guy cooling his heels isn't really a problem. He can be shuffled back out to the streets. And that's what they make those paper sheets for, right? To be pulled off and replaced for the next victim patient.

Now wait! Look there, little kid screaming and carrying on because Mom won't buy you that extra large Easter basket full of soon-to-be broken toys and high-fructose corn syrup because she just wants to get you your pink eye medication and get you home so she can start washing all the pillowcases in the house, there's enough paper to go around. There ya go, kiddo, let me pull off a piece, so you can leave me alone, OK? Wait, you want to watch? Well, the more, the merrier, of course. Just please step outside the room and peer through the window like the rest of the folks.

Ah, little kid removed from the room that's out in the center of the heavily trafficked pharmacy/convenience store = bliss. And so you lie back and try not to think about how many people have popped a squat on this particular table in the middle of the store on their way to and from the pharmacist's counter where your father gets his Viagra. Lulled by the chemical scent of Bonne Bell Lip Smackers and the Hall and Oates Muzak, you remove your pants and spread that blue sheet across your bottom, lying down and pretending to get comfortable.

And in comes the doctor. You've seen him before, of course, this is your local pharmacy/spot to grab a very bad for you diet soda every morning for your caffeine fix on the way to work. And so you hope he won't mention that caffeine might make your breasts lumpy. That is if he even remembers you from the gazillion people who stream in and out of this place all day. Like the guy currently opening the door because, "Oh, sorrrrry, I thought this was the bathroom! Didn't know this stuff went on here!"

You know what? Screw it. It might have been easier to convince the government that a pap smear's easy to get anywhere other than a place that might or might not perform an abortion, but this just isn't worth it. I'm not giving up my round-the-corner Diet Pepsi stop.

Did you actually think for a second that you'd be up for a pap smear at Walgreens?


Image via vxla/Flickr

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