5 Non-Behavioral Traits of the Stay-Home Mom

Linda Sharps
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There are a lot of preconceived notions about at-home moms.

Well, okay, there are a lot of preconceived notions about all kinds of people, because that's actually how we function as social creatures: by making guesses about people based on small amounts of information.

But I'm here to tell you where some of those notions are wrong, at least with regards to at-home-mom-dom in my world:

I always know what day it is. Maybe this is because I work from home five days a week, maybe it's because I can't imagine a world where the weekend holds no appeal, but I can always tell you exactly how far away Saturday morning is. Right now: way too goddamned far.

I'd rather eat a bag of dicks than watch daytime TV. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't because I'm some kind of elitist when it comes to media consumption. Ha ha ha ha NO. I mean, I routinely watch American Idol. And, um, Campus PD. But daytime television is filled with talk shows, which all sound exactly the same to me: like that terrifying juice infomercial that increasingly haunts the woman in Requiem for a Dream. "Juice by Sarah, juice by Sarah, ohhhhhhh Sarah!" GAH. Also, if I turned on the TV, it would attract the children. I'm trying to hide from the children, for god's sake. Shhhhhh.

I do care if I look like shit.
I admit I spend a good part of my day slothing around in yoga pants, but if I leave the house, I put on something with an actual waistband, FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND. I shower every day. I wear makeup. I get a ridiculous manicure every now and then. I certainly don't feel as fancy these days as when I worked in an office and regularly sported dresses and heels, but ever since the day I visibly terrified the FedEx delivery guy, I aim for a minimum personal hygiene level of "Does Not Appear to Have Insects Crawling Through Hair."

I don't love play dates.
I'm dying for adult company, but let's be honest: a play date is a piss-poor version thereof. It's better than not seeing my mom friends at all, but god, I hate how I always look forward to seeing someone who I haven't seen for months, I have all these things I want to talk about, and then we sit around for two hours talking to our damn kids. We referee, hand out snacks, deal with potty emergencies, soothe boo-boos, and eventually we distractedly pack up our crying offspring and tell each other we should do it again soon. Wheeee.

I make myself a real lunch. I used to eat leftover PB&J rinds over the sink while simultaneously refilling sippy cups, then I was like, what the fuck, self. Here's how I handle lunches now: I feed the kids first, then I turn on Curious George. While they sit saucer-eyed in front of PBS, I enjoy a nice chicken salad with dried cranberries and avocado. I'd feel bad about the whole TV-as-babysitter thing if it wasn't so AWESOME.

How about you, where do you ooze outside of the Mom-mold (whether you stay home or not)?


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