bedbugsI would like to give a shout-out to Ohio State University and UMass Amherst for ruining my day with the most disturbing news I've heard since my co-worker told me that you poop when giving birth.

Entomologists at the two universities have discovered that your best friend and mine, Mr. Bedbug, has evolved to defeat insecticides. Oh. My. Gah.

These little buggers have started producing poison-cleansing enzymes, which basically means all our sprays, powders, and gels are becoming less and less effective in getting rid of our nightmare.

It's at this point where I'd like to remind you all out there that we were warned about this in a little-known movie called Jurassic Park. Remember Dr. Ian Malcolm? "I'm simply saying that life, uh ... finds a way."

Next thing you know, bedbugs will attack us when we're enjoying a spoonful of Jello and we'll be forced to take shelter in our stainless steel chef's kitchen and our only defense will be reflective surfaces and clamours spoons. And that's how we'll find out that they know how to open doors.

But maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe the whole nation doesn't need to panic, it's just us New Yorkers. Why? Because oh, you know, the bedbugs here are 250 times more resistant to death than those found in the other part of the country. Criminy!

But don't get too cocky other-49-states (I'm especially looking at you California, you hotshot). All bedbugs are 1,000 times more resistant to pesticides than just 10 years ago. So ha! Maybe we all need to freak out. And it doesn't stop there:

"We have changed the genetic make-up of the bedbugs we have in the United States," said urban pest-management specialist Dini Miller at Virginia Tech. "That's what I call unnatural selection."

All right, I can't take it anymore. There is no happy ending. And now my side itches. I'm calling the mainland; tell them to send the chopper.

Photo via cuttlefish/Flickr