Princess Leia—known in real life as Carrie Fisher—admits she got fat. The now 54-year-old recently told People, "All the clothes in my closet belong to another chick. They have to make a new alphabet for my bra size."
But all the self-deprecating humor in the world won't save Carrie from what she's about to endure as a spokesperson for Jenny Craig. Although she's been on the program since November and apparently already lost 12 pounds, I can think of someone who probably isn't all that impressed: Former celeb face of the weight-loss program, Kirstie Alley.
Here's a letter* that the Fat Actress might be considering writing to the Wishful Drinker ...
Dear Carrie Fisher,
How's it going? I read that some blogger (probably some nerd who looks like a hobbit and gets off to Wookiee porn) wrote that you used to be hot but now resemble Elton John. Listen, I've been there! I was "circus fat." I've had paparazzi scream at me, "Fat ass. Turn around so I can shoot you." When you get to that point, you want to do whatever you can to be as hot as you were in the '80s! Of course, it couldn't hurt if your weight-loss battle actually gets your career back to where it was then, too, right?
But I have to warn you: Jenny Craig isn't the answer to getting off that "seemingly never ending fatty-roller coaster ride."
That's why after three years and one commercial in which I strutted down a runway in a bikini to "It's Raining Men," I quit the gig to start my own Scientology scheme—I mean, weight loss/detox program. And yeah, I got huge again post-Jenny. Everyone knows that, because I did a reality show for Lifetime starring my kids, my zoo filled with lemurs, and me.
My penchant for cookies and Cheetos aside, the reason I gained weight back after I left Jenny was that it's really hard to sustain a diet so low in calories. I mean, once those pre-packaged meals stopped being delivered to my house every three hours, I was like, "OMG, what do I do for food?"
Turns out, those little teeny-weeny meals Jenny is supplying you with now will eventually slow down your metabolism. So whenever you go off 'em—come on, like you're gonna brown-bag it in Cannes!—withdrawal (something you and I both know quite a bit about!) leaves you feeling really hungry, super-frustrated, and soon, you can't remember where your face begins and the box of HoHos ends!
Plus, all the hand-holding in the world isn't going to ensure you lose and keep weight off over time. To get "ripped," you have to adopt healthy habits in your own time, in a way that's good for you. I know, what a pain in the ass, right? But that's what Oprah told me. (And we should probably listen to her, cuz she's like, The Wisest Woman in All of Media History.) She also said that I seem to be using public pressure and acceptance as my main source of motivation ... I guess that's the BIG FAT trap of being the star face of any corporate weight-loss program! We can't rely on anyone else to get slim! All the public cares about these days is tweeting, fart jokes, and watching train wrecks on reality TV and TMZ anyway.
That said, I wish you the best of luck with Jenny ... (Although, I think you should just face it now that no one is ever going to look like Valerie Bertinelli—that snob!) But should the National Enquirer ever proclaim you were fired for getting fat, you've got a friend in me!
*The above letter is FAKE! In case you forgot -- or Jenny Craig's lawyers are reading this or something.
Image via Twitter