New Zodiac Sign Dates: Global Personality Disorder Epidemic Underway!

cancer zodiac signJust yesterday I was a sensitive, nurturing, emotionally driven person who loved to cook and take care of others. Today I find out that because of the new zodiac sign dates, I'm not any of these things, not at all.

Yesterday I learned that this coming Sunday, the phone was going to ring before I could even get out of bed. I do not know if it was going to be good news or bad news -- my Cancer horoscope didn't tell me that exactly -- but that I was going to have to "reevaluate my thinking come Monday," something related to my "higher-ups" at work. So I was guessing that maybe one of my kids was going to get a fever and I'd have to call in sick again.

My "take things personally" nature also puts me on track to experience tummy troubles on or about Tuesday, oh my, so the stars are advising me to eat smaller, more frequent meals. It's amazing what astrologers know, isn't it?


Today, I learned that the gravitational pull of the planets has been whacking out the alignment of the stars over the millennia -- the same alignment that tells us what our sign is, describes our personality traits, and foresees what mates we are attracted to and will be compatible with. And with this, totally shattering my idea of who I've been my whole life because of my June 22 birthday's astrological sign: Cancer.

Under the revised signs, Cancer moves to July 20 to August 10, so as of today I'm officially a Gemini.

So instead of being the sensitive nurturer and all those other things that describe me with eerie accuracy that I cannot explain, I'm this totally new person that scares the living hell out of me.

The one bit of good news is no sign of tummy troubles this week. And I won't be getting that phone call on Sunday. Which works out because on Wednesday, I'll have this sudden urge to seek out a party. Wow! Just the other day, I was a quiet homebody who shunned excess social interaction and craved lots of quiet alone time to recover from the harsh realities of the world. Now, I'm a talkative, social, intellectual party monster who actually goes out ... on a work night! That's going to be interesting since I'm usually asleep by 9:30. And I don't drink.

On Thursday, I will "seek powerful experiences in order to derive a deeper meaning from life." That kinda hurts my brain. I'd rather watch a cooking show and try to find the very shallow meaning of life in a good brownie recipe. On Thursday I'm usually trying to catch up on chores (my Cancer horoscope even says that!), but my new stars are now telling me that this night is an excellent time for beginning a course of study or for getting work accomplished that must be done. Maybe that's referring to the piles laundry, or I'm going to decide to change careers and become an accountant. The thought of going back to school sounds horrifying. I can't even manage to get my son to finish his second-grade subtraction charts, now I have to fit in going back to college and algebra!

This is not acceptable. I am so not qualified to be a Gemini. I'm going to write a letter to the folks at the Minnesota Planetarium Society, who've recently said that the current zodiac signs are all wrong, and ask them to double check this. Maybe the telescope just had a bug on it and they were wrong. At the very least, beg for mercy and please reconsider such a life-altering change for everyone.

My husband, whose birthday is a day after mine and was also on the "cusp," also became a Gemini today. Oh yes, I checked our new "compatibility" predictions. I won't even begin to describe what this change means to our relationship.

Dead birds and fish. And I have to replace my cherished "Cancer" coffee mug. Maybe it truly is the end of the world.

Is your horoscope changing because of the new zodiac signs? Click to see if your sign has changed.

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