The Jersey Shore can't last forever. Like everything else on TV, it will eventually end, and all of us will watch as that talent-less group of 20-something exhibitionists will try to hang on to a career in entertainment. Because, we all know, the end of the show will not be the end of them, especially the most famous of all -- Nicole Polizzi, the munchkin-looking one better known as Snooki (pronounced Snuuh-kee NOT Snooooo-kee).
You know her. Everyone knows her, even if you don't watch the show.
But the thing no one can really figure out is why?
This great mystery was characterized perfectly the other night in the "It's a Jersey Thing" episode of South Park, where Polizzi was portrayed as "The Snooki Monster," a rotund rodent-like creature lurking inside the neighborhood bar eating everything it can get its bubble-gum pink nails on. The classic scene went like this ...
"What is it?!!"
"It's called a Snooki. It's very famous."
"That thing is famous? Why?!"
"I don't KNOW!!!!!!"
While I don't think anyone will ever know, I do have an inkling of what the future holds for Snooki after her Jersey Shore curtain closes.
The entertainment business would call it "Weight Loss Spokesperson." The rest of us might call it "Paid Diet Scam Pawn." The acai berry people (that's pronounced a-sigh-ee NOT a-keye-ee) are already trying to get their claws on Snooki, offering her free samples of their South American berries in exchange for a "glowing endorsement," which I'm sure they plan to broadcast all the way to the planet Venus.
Diet plan marketers are some of the most creative people in the workforce. They excel at tapping into people's insecurities, offering the easy answer to all our problems in one simple pill or quick 30-day program. Snooki is far from the first to be targeted for this fertile and often successful strategy.
Dr. Sanford Siegel, an obesity doctor from Miami, is famous for this. He promotes his Cookie Diet EVERYWHERE using every PR tactic in the book. Remember that 600-pound woman (also from NEW JERSEY, hmmm) who claimed she was going to quit dieting and eat as much as she wanted? Dr. Siegal (via his excellent merchandising team) was all over that. He sent the woman a letter (cc'ing every press outlet in the world), imploring her to please oh please reconsider and to eat healthy, offering her a free trip to see him in Miami ... with a nice little blurb about his weight loss cookies at the end. What a guy.
Siegel also jumped on the Snooki opportunity in June, after the reality show star complained she had lost her cheerleader figure. Siegel sat down with Polizzi and made a promotional video, showing the poofed princess munching down his cookies. No word on how that's been going for her, but we haven't witnessed any major body transformations as of yet.
Enter Acai Supply Weight Loss Formula and Program. Just to catch you up, there's no scientific proof that acai berries help you lose weight. They are packed with antioxidants, which can have lots of great health effects on the body including possibly weight loss, with the right amount of other good habits like exercise and not drinking and binging like a glutton. The acai industry has pushed its outrageous claims so far that the Federal Trade Commission has filed a lawsuit against these Internet scams, which have ripped desperate consumers off for $100 million.
And now one acai berry company is looking to Snooki to get their berries back into good favor with the American public. In a letter to Snooki, company CEO Evan H. accuses South Park of making fun of Snooki's "obesity," and offers to send her crates of his supplements to try for free, in addition to "referral fees" for every new client she refers to the program, in exchange for her endorsement.
So, the lesson is, if you want to promote your product, find a very pathetic public victim and make your attack.
And now the world waits as the Snooki Monster decides, and my money is on the acai berry people being disappointed. I don't think Snooki is as pathetic as everyone thinks she is. Polizzi's been quoted recently as saying she likes the way she looks on the show, and she clearly wasn't bothered by the South Park portrayal from her tweet: "snooki want smoosh smoosh. im going to have nightmares tonight lmao!!! we've officially made it. goodnite my bitches."
In fact, if we know Snooki, and don't we all, I think she kinda loves it.
Does Snooki have a future career as a weight loss spokesperson?