The Scariest Exercise Ever

Cynthia Dermody
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pumpkins at the storePumpkins. Just when I think people thought of every possible use in the world for the beloved orange gourd, someone comes up with yet another creative use for them.

Vomiting pumpkins delight drunken guests at parties. Mashed and mutilated pumpkins give us better skin. Pumpkins put into food make our bodies healthier.

Bakers go into traumatic shock when the stores run out of cans of them.

I have faith that some scientist somewhere believes pumpkins are the answer to our dependency on foreign oil. But that's far from all. We can now even credit pumpkins for giving us ... awesome abs.

That's right. We no longer have to go to the gym between the months of  September to November. We can just grab our pumpkin off the stoop and work out with it.

When I read the article on Self for the Great Pumpkin Chop Workout -- the "Secret to a Sexy Halloween Stomach," I got a good laugh out of it. Good one, you clever editors at Self. Happy Halloween to you too!

But when I read on, and discovered it was real and serious, I thought, are they crazy? This pumpkin workout thing is downright scary. Here's why:

Reason 1 -- They are dangerous weapons.

Have you heard of Kettlebells -- those medieval style medicine balls with handle grips? Pumpkins are basically ... Kettlebells. And Kettlebells terrify me. If you've ever been in a room full of people working out with Kettlebells, you know what I mean. You better hope that either the lady next to you has a really good grip on her ball, or you have excellent fright-and-flight response ... or else.

Reason 2 -- You value your eyes.

My kids won't let me buy pumpkins without the little stump at the top, or the "hat" as they call it. Lift that pumpkin just a little too close to your face during one of those twist-oblique toner moves, and WHAM! -- your jack-o-lantern won't be the only thing with a hole for an eye socket.

Reason 3 -- Pumpkins rot.

You know those free weights collecting dust in the corner of your bedroom? That treadmill that is now your clothes rack? Uh-huh. Exactly. Now think of that pumpkin that's been sitting there for months, after you've become bored with yet another exercise fad. What a smelly disgusting mess. Who wants to work out after that?

I think I'll say no to the pumpkin workout, thanks.

Would you work out with your pumpkin?

 

Image via Yiie/Flicker

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