Late Night Scramble, Mother-in-Law Nightmares: Sleep Secrets

Jeanne Sager

Jessica BernSleep -- we all do it, but talk about something personal! From side sleepers to wrapped in the covers on their tummy sleepers, we all do it differently.

We're delving into dreamland with moms' sleep secrets here on the The Stir, and today we're talking to Jessica Bern, a single mom who blogs (and vlogs) with wit and all-out wackiness at Bern This.

She's what you read when you can't sleep, so we asked her how she does it.

What are your best getting to sleep tips?

Stay up as late as you can playing Scramble. The more games you lose, the longer you should stay awake, which will in turn cause you to lose more games because by then you'll barely be able to keep your eyes open. 

Eventually, a small voice in your head will tell you that perhaps you should go to bed and pick up where you left off in the morning. Then get up and as you head to bed, suddenly start cleaning the house.

When you get to the point where you find yourself sweeping up the dog hair with your tongue, it's a sign that you should go to sleep immediately.

Do you sleep alone or is there someone in bed with you?

I sleep with the dog unless he starts his farting “routine,” which then leads me to banish him from what has quickly become my own personal hell to his own personal hell, which involves no access to 400-count cotton sheets. 

Otherwise, I sleep alone unless my daughter has a nightmare or falls out of her bed and is “afraid” to get back in, which is really code for “I love 400-count cotton sheets and I will continue to sleep here until I get me a set.”

What's the strangest thing that's ever happened while you were sleeping?

The strangest thing that has ever happened while I was sleeping is nothing because I'm the type that can be awakened by someone throwing away a cotton ball in China.

How do you wake up in the morning and how long does it take you to get out of bed? What is the first thing you do?

I wake up in the morning wanting nothing more than to sleep more. I have yet to ever, in my 44 years of life, get out of bed and be happy about it. The first thing I do when I finally do get up is seriously consider home-schooling my kid just so I can sleep in on a regular basis.  

After that little psychotic break, I get up and finish making my kid’s lunch and then I make breakfast, which consists of turning the oven to 350 degrees and tossing in two frozen waffles. I make my kid get the syrup and if she wants something to drink, she can either drink out of the dog’s water bowl or get herself something from the fridge. 

Sadly, she is so not a morning person either that often I find her debating whether or not to go with the dog bowl just so she can avoid having to get a glass AND pour the liquid inside it.

Do you dream? Care to share one?

I don't remember any of my dreams much after I wake up and usually the dreams that I recall are really nightmares that involve either my not being able to find my daughter or the fact that my ex mother-in-law is still living.

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