The Ultimate Guide to Not Losing Friends With Facebook's New Reaction Emojis

Facebook just rolled out new emojis so we are no longer stuck with the boring ol' "Like" button. Here's a handy-dandy guide on how to use them so as not to piss off everyone, including your grandma, on your Facebook feed. 

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Here's How Not to Use "Like": 

"Like" is for you puritans or old-school users too lazy or too stubborn to get with the times (man!) and use the other brand-spankin'-new emojis. "Like" is the new "I don't care." Take, for instance, when your sister posts "Just got my hair done!" and adds a picture of her new hairstyle. If you post "Like" after it, you may as well just say, "You look like a raccoon got stuck in a downpour and then decided to die on your head." You should probably use "Love" or "Wow!" in this situation -- even though her hair is boring and probably only deserves a "Like."

Here's How Not to Use "Haha":

"Haha" is trickier than you might imagine. Of course it's appropriate to use when your mother-in-law posts another article about how essential oils cure cancer and you are too lazy to drop a Snopes link on her TL. But should you use "Haha" when that coworker you secretly hate posts an update about how she just joined Weight Watchers again for the third time and she already blew her points for the week? Spoiler Alert: Yes. But don't use "Haha" if she posts that her cat died. 

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Here's How Not to Use "Wow": 

This is an easy one. There is NO wrong way to use "Wow." Use "Wow" all the time.

Your brother posts how he ate some bad salmon for lunch?

"Wow!"

Your aunt posts that they are expecting rain today in Iowa?

"Wow!"

Your neighbor posts that they can't wait for the Republicans to take back the White House from that scoundrel Obama and make 'Merica great again?

"Wow."

The magic of "Wow" is that only you know the inflection behind it. You could be using "Wow" with genuine awe -- or like "OMG STFU NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR BURNT PIZZA, STAN." In your own mind. 

Here's How Not to Use "Angry": 

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With "Angry" you have to be a little more careful. Yes, we all know it makes you angry when your husband posts a status update that he's "so exhausted" when you know for a TrueFact™ that you were the one who got up at 3 a.m. to change yet another deathdiaper™ in the middle of the night, but you cannot use the "Angry" emoji to call him out. 

You can just use "Wow."

You can, however, use "Angry" each and every time someone posts a status update about Scandal without using a spoiler alert. 

You can also use it for any and all vacation pictures people on your feed post, especially if the weather sucks where you are. 

Here's How Not to Use "Sad": 

 

Do not use "Sad" when any of the following happens and someone posts a Facebook status update about it:

Weddings, birthdays, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, engagements, anniversaries, new puppies, new babies, new cars, new houses, new pants, new Oreo flavors, new cats, new boyfriends, new girlfriends, new piercings, new and improved dishwashing detergent, new furniture, new breast implants, new Kanye Twitter meltdown, new Facebook reaction emojis. 

Here's How Not to Use "Love"

 

Do not use "Love" when any of the following happens and someone posts a Facebook status update about it:

Death, dismemberment, your best friend stealing your unborn baby's name, funerals, any post that mentions Ted Cruz, measles, kids biting other kids at daycare, mastitis, tornadoes, jellyfish stings, alien abductions, Idris Elba getting engaged, Target going out of business, any and all Chipotle-related illnesses, divorce unless you secret-hated the partner, bed bugs, House of Cards getting canceled, colonoscopies, car accidents, weasels, vaginal mesh lawsuits, Bill Cosby, photos that show your 14-year-old neice's bra strap, dank memes unless they are hella-funny, and those f**king awful sexist "Rules for Dating My Daughter" posts. 

 

Images via Facebook

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