Apple's New iPhone 6 Is Exactly What Every Mother Needs

Apple iPhone 6Who's totally stoked about Apple's iPhone 6? Man, I don't know about you but I broke ALL the speed limits rushing home from school dropoff this morning so I could tune into the live broadcast of Apple's event. As a mom, there is absolutely nothing I need more than a brand new smartphone.

I have to say, my expectations were pretty high for this announcement, but Apple exceeded my wildest dreams. I mean, for one thing, I can buy a phone with the word "plus" in it now. The iPhone 6 Plus. Doesn't it sound like something that will completely change your life? It's like: it's a phone … PLUS a bunch of other shit. Can I just empty my bank account in Apple's direction? Because I am ready to BUY RIGHT NOW.

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First off, it's bigger. I cannot tell you how many times I've peered at my current iPhone 5 and thought, WHY ARE YOU SO INFURIATINGLY TINY? I CAN BARELY SEE WHICH INSTAGRAM FILTER CREATES THE MOST FAUX-NOSTALGIC EFFECT ON THIS PICTURE OF MY KID! The new iPhone 6 iPhone has a 4.7-inch display, which is .7" bigger than my phone's 4-inch screen. But for those of us who believe compact parking spaces are for pussies there's an even larger model: the iPhone 6 Plus is a hefty 5.5 inches diagonally. Motion of the ocean my ass, we all know it's about the size of the boat.

Also, the glass front curves around the side of the new phones! I DID NOT EVEN KNOW THIS WAS SOMETHING I NEEDED. Don't forget the glass on the new display is "ion strengthened," so whatever to your non-ion phones, cavemen.

The iPhone 6 has a new A8 processor, which is, like, totally faster. If you're using the old A7 processor, you might as well just be holding a potato to your ear. OH HELLO SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU THROUGH ALL THESE CARBS. Also the A8 is accompanied by the M8 motion co-processor, which is super important because reasons.

The iPhone 6 will offer 14 hours of talk time, which is a 40 percent increase over the iPhone 5S. I KNOW! That means you can talk on your phone forEVER, which is what we all use smartphones for, right? Unfortunately web browsing time over 3G and LTE is still rated at the same 10 hours as the current phone, but that doesn't seem like a detail we should focus on.

New to the iPhone 6 is support for Apple's Pay mobile payments service. There's a chip in the top of the phone that will enable contactless payments at supported credit card terminals so you can just magically wave your phone at retailers like Subway, McDonalds, Walgreens, Bloomingdale's, Staples, and Whole Foods. Not only that, but companies will also be able to integrate Apple Pay into their apps. YESSSSS. I am always thinking how I wish I had more data theft and credit card breach issues to deal with! And not a day passes when I don't wonder why my phone doesn't make it easier for my kids to accidentally make expensive one-click purchases!

The camera in the iPhone 6 has the same 8 megapixel resolution of previous models, but there's an all-new sensor with even larger pixels than before. So it's the same thing, but BIGGER. Are you sensing a theme here?! Plus you can spring for the Plus version's optical stabilization for the optimal amount of stabilizing. Advanced processing algorithms will improve the detail, contrast, and sharpness in the photos it captures, which Facebook relatives will surely fail to appreciate!

Perhaps most importantly, the iPhone 6 will come in three colors: gold, silver, and space gray. SPACE GRAY? OH MY GOD SAY NO MORE I NEED IT NOW. The iPhone 6 starts at $199 on a 2-year contract for the 16GB model. The 64GB model is $299 and 128GB model is $399. The 6 Plus starts at $299 for 16GB, $399 for 64GB, $499 for 128GB. Both phones will be available September 19th, with preorders starting on September 12th.

Well! I am canceling my children's college savings account this instant. There's this aching void I sometimes feel when I'm folding laundry and wiping up crumbs for the millionth time and I know I'm going to be doing the exact same tasks tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that and I feel confident this is the one purchase that will finally fill it. Thank you, Apple. Again.

What do you think about the new iPhone 6? Or are you more distracted by Apple's shiny new watch?

Image via Apple

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