The 'E-Nup' Contract I Want All My Facebook & Email Friends to Sign

About a year ago I wrote a mother-in-law-nup (MIL-nup), so that one could comfortably hand their sweet boy over to some son-stealing Jezebel. Clearly, I'm still bitter, but it made me realize that there should be "nups" for lots of things.

Like email and social networking. I'm not talking about the spammers who seem quite certain I have a small penis, I'm lonely, I could use Prozac and Cialis, and I should get said drugs from Canada.

No, I can forgive the Internets, but what I cannot forgive is the annoying emails and Facebook requests from my supposed friends and family. You guys are on shaky ground, which is why I've written this "e-nup," and I say everyone signs!

I hereby decree that:


Though I thoroughly enjoy games on Facebook like "Ville" this, "Mafia" that, or "Blitz" them, I will not, under any circumstances, send you a request to download said app. I know you couldn't care less if my fake sheep needs shearing or if your download will allow me to become a faux "made" gangster. I also realize that if you were to join the game, it would simply be to unleash a drought on my farm!

  • I will not share your email with other companies so that I can get a free sample of Tide, Hydroxycut, or a Trojan Vibrator, no matter how badly I want or need said item.
  • I promise to NEVER forward you a chain letter so that I can have a chance at good fortune. I realize that's bullshit, even if the email says a lawyer looked it over and said it's legit (which they often do), or a mom in Oregon won the lottery right after pushing "send."
  • I will not ask you to adopt homeless animals. I know you want nothing more than to adopt the dog my friend's neighbor's cousin found behind a dumpster five states away. Really. But the guilt I'd feel in knowing that you would be trading that dog in for your marriage is too much to bear.
  • I vow to be EXTREMELY selective in what I ask you to sign or donate to. I shall never ask you to donate money to a politician unless I am, or am married to, said politician. The same goes for causes that I have no involvement in and random petitions that seem to be anti-everything, from bottle-feeding to cats. I realize you are not against bottle-feeding or cats or (if necessary) the bottle-feeding of cats.
  • I will NEVER send you a joke or picture unless I'm sure it's funny enough for your high standards. In fact, if I'm not laughing so hard that I nearly pass out upon reading/viewing, I will not send it your way. I will also limit the sending of these things to no more than once every couple days, as I realize you will start complaining that I'm spamming you and may tell everyone you know my child has lice (though he or she does not).
  • Most importantly, I will never email a picture of you or post it on any form of social media without you approving said picture, even if I look a-maz-ing in it. Because I may look great and you may look like you have five chins, back boobs, or one massive thigh, and I realize if I post said pic, you will then have to post at least three  "defensive pictures" in which you look fantastic and don't have five chins in response.

Signed (in blood) ________________

Would there be anything you'd add to an e-nup for your Facebook & email friends?

Image via Victor1558/Flickr

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