7 Deadly Sins Waiting for Tim Tebow in New York City (VIDEO)

tim tebow Readers, I can barely concentrate on writing because all of New York City is roaring with cheers at the news that Tim Tebow may be joining the New York Jets! Oh my god, this is huge! Okay, actually, I'm joking. No one here cares. Except me. But not because I'm into his game.

No, I'm concerned about Tim Tebow's soul. They're really sending him here, to NYC? AKA The Den of Iniquity? AKA Sodom and Gomorrah? Are y'all sure about this thing? I mean, look what happened to Kenny on 30 Rock. I just don't want to see sweet, pure, home-schooled Christian boy Tim get corrupted by our wicked, wicked ways. Let me count them.

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LUST: Endless supply of single ladies. Forget Dianna Agron. Guess who's here and waiting for Tim with open arms? AnnaSophia Robb, Minka Kelly, Charlize Theron, Elizabeth Olsen, Blake Lively -- they all live here, or are here all the time. Oh, also Madonna. You know she'll want a piece of Tebow.

GLUTTONY: So many amazing restaurants. Not to mention, a Dunkin' Donuts on every freakin' corner. Falafel carts everywhere. Have you tried our bagels? We have a restaurant that serves nothing but PB&J. And another just for rice pudding.

GREED: Wall Street. It's right there. What's to keep Tim from slipping into the corrupt trade of banking?!? I mean, you can't play football forever. It's only a matter of time before we'll starts seeing him strutting around in a pinstripe suit, calling his customers "Muppets." I fear for the day.

SLOTH: Sunday brunch. It's inevitable. There he is, strolling on his way to Sunday School, when what does he see? All of us relaxed, happy infidels lounging at sidewalk cafes enjoying our Bloody Marys and our challa French toast with rum butter syrup. He will succumb. (Also, we made going to church illegal back in 1997.)

WRATH: The subway. Heaven help Tim Tebow if he ever comes near a subway station during rush hour. People will get hurt, of that I am certain.

ENVY: Chelsea. Tim, I hate to tell you, but there are guys here who are hotter than you are. They work out all the time. Even more than you do. They have thick, luscious heads of hair. And they have skin as soft as a baby's bottom. You will be envious of them.

PRIDE: The Book of Mormon musical. What if he sees it and it turns him gay? Or Mormon? Or -- oh dear god no, BOTH?!?

 

Yes, I know. Tim Tebow will probably spend all his time in New Jersey, not the Big Apple. IF the trade goes through, and that's a big "if." So what. Will you let me have some fun with this one? Sheesh.

What do you think about Tim Tebow living in New York City?

 

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