The 6 Worst Facebook Status Updates

facebookOdds are, if you're on your computer, and you're not on The Stir, you're on Facebook, amiright? But why? It's so annoying. Yes, it's fascinating and addicting as all get out, but really, at the heart of it, it's just irritating and leaves you feeling worse about yourself. It's okay. You can admit it. We're all friends here.

So, in honor of this endlessly fascinating -- endlessly irksome -- website, I polled some of the lovely and talented employees of The Stir to find out what the most annoying kind of Facebook status update is. I guarantee you can relate.

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The updates that (try to) subliminally tell you, "You suck." We've all seen them in our feed, and odds are they have nothing to do with us whatsoever, but still, they're annoying -- because they're clearly passively-aggressively aimed at someone on Facebook. Just say what you have to say. Enough with the cryptic vagaries.

Example: "Isn't it nice to know who you're real friends are, and who's just using you."

The rhetorical question updates. Self-explanatory.

Examples: "Is it the weekend yet?" "Is it 5:00 yet?" "Why don't I have a glass of wine in my hand yet?" No, no, and because it's 1:30 on a Tuesday and you're not Keith Richards.

The life play-by-play updates. Clearly, these Facebookers don't work -- or they've got a super-cush gig. Every time you log on, you see three to four -- totally uneventful, non-useful -- updates from them. And eventually you just have to resort to blocking. (The only thing worse than these Facebookers is the people who comment on their posts.)

Examples: "Judge Judy in t-minus 5!" "Watching Judge Judy." "Oh, Judge Judy just told that guy to stuff it." OR, there's a slightly-less-but-not-really annoying version of this, where the play-by-play is condensed. An example of this would be: "Breakfast, then work til 3, then gym, then movies to see Breaking Dawn, then sleep!" But wait ... when did you go to the bathroom?

The "I'm so deep" updates. It's great if that Vanilla Ice-wannabe you went to high school with has suddenly cleaned up his act, but dude, save the preachy dogma for your book.

Examples: "No matter how much u scream and fight, the world keeps spinning. Enjoy the turns u get :)" "The world would be so much less stressful if you just stopped and breathed." Thanks. If it weren't for this message, I'd probably stop breathing and have to be resuscitated.

The unabashed brag updates. Sure, humblebrags are obnoxious, but we'll take those any day of the week over the balls-to-the-wall kind.(These include photos, as well.)

Examples: "Two people thought I was in my 20s today. I thought they were joking, but they were totally serious." Or the person who always posts photos of themselves "doing something amazing" like sailing on a boat, or lounging on a beach with the caption, "Blessed." (Yes, we are jealous!)

The "I'm an amazing mommy" updates. Most moms are amazing, and hey, guess what -- the really great ones don't post about how fantastic they are.

Example: "Chocolate milk from a cow is poison! Every good mom should just crack open a young coconut, scoop out the flesh, add some wild berries, spirulina flakes, madagascar vanilla bean, and cacao, and blend. SO good!"

In short, barf. We love/hate you, Facebook, and no matter what, we'll always come back to you. But sometimes these kind of status updates make it really hard.

What's the most annoying kind of status update to you?

 

Imge via English106/Flickr

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