Chewing Tobacco Ban Will Make Baseball a Girly Game

chewing tobaccoA group of United States senators may have just found a way to make Major League Baseball appeal to more of the ladies. I know, I know, fans are always wary when the government tries to stick its fingers into MLB regulations (cough, steroid witch hunt, cough). But the appeal being made to the players' union to ban chewing tobacco during televised games may just be the key to selling more tickets well after the last out of the World Series.

Of course the Senators behind this -- Dick Durbin of Illinois, Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey, Richard Blumenthal of Connecticut, and Senate Health Committee Chairman Tom Harkin of Iowa -- are using the "think of the children" approach to appeal to the players. But I think they're on the wrong track. These players should think of the women.

Advertisement

Other than a few hardcore females with a craving for Copenhagen, smokeless tobacco is by and large a man's land. Which leaves the ladies who love them spitting mad. As I have told a certain single 20-something man in my life countless times: who wants to make out with a guy when his drool can give her cancer? There's just nothing sexy about a guy with a plug in.

But the average women's website goes straight to sex appeal when they're rating athletes (ahem, we're guilty of it too). As a bona fide baseball fan, I hate to admit that. Because we love us some good hitting and a golden glove. But even I have to admit that the way Derek Jeter's butt fills out those tight pants is a nice bonus.

Yeah, I objectify my athletes. Which is why I'm perfectly comfortable voicing my objection at having to see a stream of disgusting brown spittle mar that pretty picture. Fortunately, I have the power to change the channel. But I can just imagine an entire game without a chipmunk cheek distracting my thoughts when I should be tracking the count. As a country girl raised in a land of chaw and spit cups, that right there would be like a little piece of heaven.

A chewing tobacco ban could be just the preventative measure the MLB needs to keep us focused on the baseball diamond instead of the one glittering on a Kardashian's finger. It's the modern day equivalent of "don't touch that dial."

What do you think? Would you watch baseball if you didn't have to look at some guy putting a plug in?

 

Image via kripptic/Flickr

Read More >