Apple Wants to Turn Your Computer Into a Sex Toy

mac os x lionThis morning, at its annual Worldwide Developers Conference in San Francisco, Apple unveiled its new operating system, the OS X Lion. People known as uber-Mac-philes rejoiced, while the rest of us thought to ourselves, "Hmm, okay, so?"

In fact, to anyone who isn't already totally enamored with Apple, the new OS kind of seems like that guy or girl you went out with once and had lukewarm feelings for, but now is trying way too hard to get a second date. I mean, it's only $29 for crying out loud! That's $100 less than previous Apple operating systems, so it's almost like they're giving it away! (Okay, not quite, but it is a super-deal.)

To be honest, I'm a Mac fan -- just not a fanatic. I enjoy my iPhone and MacBook Pro, but I'm not really all that obsessed with the innerworkings of either. I'm not co-dependent, you see.


But with Lion, Apple seems to want to get into a very serious, up close and personal relationship with its users. Just consider the word choice in the promo for a moment. Jobs and Co. invite us to "get in touch with our apps" and use "gestures that feel real." Is this a computer operating system or ... K-Y Lube?! (Hee hee.) I don't need or want to get that intimate with my experience, thank you very much. I'm just fine having my computer remain a computer. A means to an end. Call me a tease, but I want to get it turned on, so I read the news, check my Gmail, then get out of there. There's no need to get all snuggly, ya know?

But here's the real reason I'll use Lion, but not get all worked up about it: It's sloppy seconds. Yeah, you heard me! Where do you think Apple got all of these ideas about "pushing the content" or "swiping seamlessly"? It's because they "integrated iPad features 'deeply.'" Mmm hmm. All this new touchy-feely stuff is pilfered from their super-successful tablet. It basically turns your laptop or desktop into an iPad! If I wanted to be in a relationship with an iPad, I would have an iPad, Apple. Sheesh.

Just in case you think I'm getting creeped out for nothin', check out the Lion promo video ...

Is Apple sounding like a stalker ex-boyfriend, or are you psyched by the idea that the new features will make your experience more "intimate"?


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