Kickball Captain Sends Evil Email to 'Pathetic Losers' on Team

kickballI consider myself an athlete -- I have a competitive spirit and strongly prefer winning to losing. I played sports in high school and college, and have even dabbled in the adult sports leagues here in New York City. You know, we'd hit the field then hit the bars. It wasn't like my football team had a drinking problem, it was more that my drinking team had a football problem, but that's what I knew going into the situation -- it would be a fun way to get outdoors and run around, and a fun excuse for getting day-wasted in my sweatpants.

There are some people who don't really grasp this concept. There are some people out there who take the adult sports leagues very seriously. There are some people out there who will send you an email berating your performance in last night's kickball game and call you a f&^%ing loser. Like this guy.


The captain of a kickball team in Atlanta had some choice motivational words for his team. Is he the Bobby Knight of adult Kickball? Maybe, but I haven't yet heard any rumblings on his chair-throwing tendencies. But if he's able to fling a folding chair with the same venom in which he flings obscenities and insults, I think we're all in for a real treat. The email below is from Captain Jack Ass to his Team, which was then forwarded anonymously by a team member to Deadspin.

Let me ask a real simple question... What was that? Seriously, did you guys just think you could show up and win? That was pathetic. Again, pathetic. I know we kid around a lot and try to have fun and a good time, but what is the point if you guys aren't even going to try? I can count several instances, and not to name names but I think I will this time just to get my point across...
[redacted], are you just trying to show off your speed by letting the ball drop in front of you when you play the outfield so you can run and get it? joke. Do you not care? If you don't care that is fine, but some of us do.
[redacted], how about running out your kicks after they're in play instead of just jogging down to first base as though it doesn't matter. joke. you got very lucky the ref called you safe. you were out.
[redacted], your obp% is the worst on the team. I thought you played before.
[redacted], great pitching and defense... yeah right, I can count about 3 or 4 plays in my head where you just allow them, basically, to reach base and score, and you probably cost us 5 runs single handedly. great job dude.
Some of you guys are striking out, others can't catch a pop fly, others don't even know which base to throw the ball to. Are you guys adults. Thought this was an adult kickball league, as in you act like adults and play the way you are supposed to.

Do you want to play?

I thought you joined this league to be competitive and win, but maybe I thought wrong.
Tell ya what, if any of you guys are going to bring that lame shit out to field next week, why don't you do us all a favor and just stay home and watch t.v. instead. Seriously, I am embarrassed to be a part of this. We LOST 20 - 0 tonight. That is a freaking joke.

Again, I know we joke around and try to have fun, and I'm not trying to be Mr. Serious here, but that was not fun. I am not kidding, don't come next week if you are going to act like a bunch of children out there.

Thank you to the people who did try tonight:

mainly [redacted], myself, [redacted], and [redacted]. and [redacted].
The rest of you better think about what I'm talking about unless you don't care in which case we don't want you coming out anyway.


You hear that Team?? You just got served. Kickball isn't all fun and ga ... well, OK, maybe it is, but still! You gotta take it seriously if you're going to play for Captain Jack Ass.

On the other hand, Captain JA could be Captain Awesome if this is all one big joke email trying to make fun of people who take adult sports games too seriously. Because we can never get enough of those. Now drop and give me twenty!

Have you ever played in an adult sports league?

Photo via calmenda/Flickr

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