MySpace Dies Slow Death, R.I.P. Old Buddy

gravestoneDear MySpace,

Tough month for you, kid. Tough month. Not to be the bearer of bad news, but you lost 10 million users in a matter of 30 days. I haven't seen a decline like that since my college roommate broke up with her boyfriend and would only eat frozen yogurt and watch the West Wing until she realized she gained 10 pounds and could only have conversations walking fast through hallways.

But enough about me. I'd like to give you a toast, dear MySpace. You briefly reigned as the Social Network King, then lost your crown to a faster, younger, better looking Facebook. Which, not to rub salt in your wound, has half a billion users.


You tried relaunching -- which was a good thing. You made the site more music and entertainment based, and smartly partnered with Facebook, allowing Facebook users to receive MySpace entertainment updates based on their preferences. You tried. You really did.

I'm not sure exactly when you became a joke, but I think it was around 2004. For seven years now you've been hanging on, and I'm impressed you lasted this long. Did I say lasted? I meant became a community fart that attracted the pervs and creeps. Glad you did though! Those weirdos were kept off Facebook thanks to you.

You became the fly trap of the Internet, luring all the lazy, woozy, and fat horse flies into your sticky and oddly sexual pages where you coddled them with black backgrounds and scrolling type.

Like many great societies before you, darling MySpace, you have collapsed. Like the Mayans of Central America, the Anasazi of the Southwest, and those big-headed dudes of Easter Island, your habitat destruction, overfishing, and toxic environment have caused your demise. You've died from suicide, not murder, but your remaining water mark on our technological history is permanent, and necessary. I'd "like" you if I could.

Signing off,


What do you think of MySpace? Will you miss it?

Photo via Maxwell Hamilton/Flickr

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