Calm down, people. No one is eating Bo! Seriously, this is the best comeback people can make to the story about Romney strapping the family dog to the top of the wagon for a 12-hour road trip? (Which he supposedly loved except for that one time when he had diarrhea.) Feathers are a-flying over this little passage in Dreams From My Father about the time Obama ate dog while he was a boy in Indonesia.

You know, INDONESIA, one of them foreign countries where they commit the sort of barbaric acts you'd expect from a country that doesn't supply its people with a steady stream of artificially cheap beef that's been fed genetically-modified corn, antibiotics, and steroids.

Newsflash: People in other countries eat different animals than we do.

Listen up, everyone, this is a very important public announcement. Today is Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's. Repeat: Today is Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's! Are you ready, ice cream eaters? Assume the cone-holding position and proceed to your nearest Ben & Jerry's.

Yes, it's the happiest fifth happiest day of the year, right behind Christmas, your birthday, the day after you finish your taxes, and the day you get your tax refund. Hooray!

But wait! You say. How can I find this free ice cream of which you speak? Well I'll tell you.

Two days into Lent -- 38 more to go -- and I'm quite curious as to whether everyone is surviving their Lenten resolutions. Though I myself am not giving up anything this year, I do have a long, long history of giving up chocolate and desserts in the past. (That's what happens when you grow up going to Catholic schools.) Of course, not only was I skilled at giving things up during Lent, I was also skilled at looking for ways to cheat on my resolutions. It just comes with the territory.

Now, I know what you are thinking: What's the use in "cheating" when the whole point of the season is to sacrifice and grow spiritually? Well, I don't mean "cheating" in the strictest sense. I'm referring instead to little tricks just to get you through -- 40 days is a long time to go without the things you enjoy!

Everyone knows the perfect way to celebrate Fat Tuesday is with King Cake washed down with a hurricane or two, and likely you've taken part in this Mardi Gras custom already today. But did you also know that lots of people have used the traditional wreath-shaped purple, green, and gold-colored cake with cream cheese and cinnamon filling to create some colorful King Cake-inspired treats of their very own? It's true!

You'll definitely want to check out these twists on the ordinary King Cake. After all, it would be an absolute crime to watch Fat Tuesday come and go without eating King Cake in at least one form or another.

Can't make it to Mardi Gras this year? Unfortunately, I can't either. However, there is one thing I can do to celebrate Fat Tuesday in traditional New Orleans style: Bake a King Cake! (And that's pretty much the only thing, because trying to carry out most Mardi Gras customs anywhere outside of The Big Easy would probably get me arrested.)

You can replace debauchery with dessert, too! Even though King Cakes look incredibly elaborate, they're actually pretty straightforward (if labor-intensive). But first, better brush up on your King Cake trivia!

Q: Why are they decorated with purple, green, and gold?

A: Purple, green, and gold are the colors of Mardi Gras, representing justice, faith, and power, respectively.

Q: Why is a token or plastic baby baked into the cake?

A: Usually representing the baby Jesus, whoever gets the slice with the token baked inside is responsible for bringing next year's King Cake.

Okay, ready to get started? Laissez le bon temps roulez!

"You know what would be great?" said my husband last summer. "One of those heavy grill press things that keeps meat and bacon from curling up when you're cooking it." You know what he's getting for Christmas? A heavy grill press thing that keeps bacon from curling up when you cook it. He never bothered to put it on his wish list, I just made a mental note and bought one, and I plan to pat myself on the back every time he uses it.

This, I like to think, exemplifies a crucial aspect of skillful gift-giving: listening. Another crucial aspect: remembering. Also crucial: time, money, and feeling some affection for the person you're buying for.

But what if it's December 22 and none of those aspects are in place, and suddenly you need to pick up a little something for the person in your office who invited you to cocktails Friday night? Or your husband's step-sister who suddenly decided to fly in from Norway? Or the sitter who's coming. over. right. now?

I have a question for all you Gentiles -- have you ever bought kosher food -- on purpose? I used to buy a lot of kosher chicken because the process can make the chicken safer. The chickens are often hand-inspected, and the safety standards are higher than the USDA's. They're a smart buy for anyone. But I don't often choose other kosher foods.

That's because most other kosher foods are traditional Jewish foods -- and as a Gentile, I don't have many occasions for gefilte fish in jelled broth or Manischewitz wine. Not that there's anything wrong with gefilte fish! But that could change. Kosher foods are starting to go gourmet -- and they're tempting even people like me. Chili roasted carrots, anyone?

Grandma DottieGrandmas cook. It's what they do. Well, a lot of them anyway. Not my mother — my kids have a grandmother that could burn a pot of boiling water. But that's an entirely different story.

Usually grandmas cook, and though not all of them are amazing cooks, the love that goes into their preparation outweighs the terribly bad slightly "off" meal every now and again. And a lot of grandmas have their dish. You know the one ... the one the grandkids clamor for.

But as children and grandchildren get older, they figure out how to cook and may just try to move in on grandma's territory, especially around the holidays. This is exactly what happened with my husband, when he was 22. And it could have really been a disaster!