Peeps Are Not a Treat, They're a Crime Against Humanity

colorful peeps candy

On the hierarchy of Easter candy, some treats rank higher than others. There are Reese's peanut butter eggs, which are handcrafted by angels and win the highly coveted title of My Favorite Candy, Ever. Then there are the Starburst Jelly Beans, the Cadbury Creme Eggs, the Godiva chocolate chicks and bunnies. And once you get all the way down to the very bottom of the list, past the Palmer's chocolate eggs and the totally unnecessary Easter candy corn, you'll find the worst crime against humanity that's ever masqueraded as dessert: Peeps.

  • If Voldemort, Satan, and Darth Vader ever got together to designate an official candy of evil, they would choose Peeps.

    Look at their sad, squished little faces. Even they know they're awful. Notice how their beaks are turned down in shame, as if to say, "My bright sugar coating is the only thing that differentiates me from a common kitchen sponge. Don't look at me."

    Yet somehow, people love them. The Peeps brand has expanded to include Christmas Peeps and ghost-shaped Halloween Peeps. There are Peeps Oreos now and red and blue speckled Peeps for the Fourth of July. Two billion Peeps were produced in 2015 -- billion, with a “B” -- and all that tells me about the world is that there are two billion people out there who are dead wrong. Peeps are a seasonal menace whose very existence should make us all cringe in shame, and I can explain why.

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  • The main problem with Peeps? They taste like stale sugar and bad decisions.

    It doesn't matter where you get them or when they were manufactured, Peeps perpetually taste like a packing peanut rolled in crushed rock candy from 1983. They're rubbery yet gritty, they don't melt in your mouth, and no matter what flavor they're supposed to be -- and yes, Peeps come in every flavor from bubble gum to candy cane to sour watermelon -- you can never really pick up on it over the overwhelming taste of corn syrup, styrofoam, and regret.

  • Peeps are also one of the ugliest foods we've ever created as a species.

    The traditional chicks look like sugar-coated 3D models of the poop emoji. And with those beady little eyes that gaze directly into your soul, they're basically the serial killers of the dessert world. Researchers from Emory University actually experimented on Peeps and found that when they were exposed to Phenol, a protein-dissolving solvent that's lethal to humans, they completely dissolved except for their eyes

    "One hour after plunging an unfortunate Peep into its grisly demise, all that remained in the beaker was a pair of brown carnauba wax eyes floating in a purple Phenol soup," the researchers said in a press release.

    That's not a dessert; that's a horror movie come to life.

  • And I know you're sitting there thinking, "Well, the other kinds of Peeps are cute." But no, they're not.

    Demon snowmen, anyone?

  • How about this "cat" who has a side gig as the star of your worst nightmares?

    He'll meow-meow-murder you!

  • And of course these Peeps rabbits killed one of their own -- they don't even have their faces on straight.

  • But perhaps the worst thing about Peeps is our collective refusal to admit they suck.

    Rather than tacitly acknowledging their awfulness and quietly phasing them out, like we did with Razzles, body glitter, and the boy band 98 Degrees, we, as a society, keep finding new and increasingly absurd ways to expand the Peeps empire.

    If you look at Pinterest, you can find recipes for Peeps milkshakes, Peeps sushi, Peep-cakes, and even little Peeps rabbits driving cars made out of Twinkies. People try to make Peeps smores, even though Peeps barely melt because, as we've already established, they're packing material masquerading as food. There's a company that actually makes Peeps Milk.

  • I repeat: Peeps. Milk.

    It's as though we're so bound to the idea of Peeps as a national past time that we'd rather disguise them in poor imitations of other foods than just stop lying to ourselves and finally admit the truth: Peeps are the f*cking worst.

    This is not the world I want to live in, people! Peeps don't belong in our milk or in our smores, they besmirch our Pinterest boards, and they certainly don't deserve to be the stars of the Easter aisle at the grocery store, using their cult-favorite status to outshine the other, superior Easter treats despite their glaring mediocrity.

  • In 2018, I believe there's really only one thing that we should be doing with Peeps:

    Pin that, suckers.