Bars Without Booze: Why God? & Your Other Questions Answered (GIFS)

In the good ol' days, we would go to bars to drink. It was great. We would spend a bunch of money, get sloppy and embarrass ourselves, and then feel like garbage the next day. Now, though, the cool thing to do is to ditch alcohol for happy hours where you drink vegan floral essence water (real thing) and enter into thoughtful discussions with your peers. Get lit? Nah -- let's get enlightened.

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But braving a booze-free bar doesn't mean you have to start wearing loose-fitting silk dresses and worshipping Gwyneth Paltrow. Aside from all that business about floral water, taking a night or two off from happy hours and overpriced cocktails is maybe actually probably a good idea. Add this to the fact that we can still go to bars without going to the bars, and we're sold.

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You're still skeptical, we can tell. You're like, "But what am I supposed to hold if not a beer? What do I look like when my makeup hasn't run down my face because of an hours-long alcohol-induced flush?" 

Here, your questions answered. 

"What do I look like when my makeup hasn't run down my face because of an hours-long alcohol-induced flush?"

You look like a fresh flower, darling. Not like The Joker, not anymore.

 

"But what am I supposed to hold if not a beer?"

Hold floral essence water. Hold a cat. We don't care.

 

"Tell me about the bathrooms."

Oh, sure, okay. In a bar meant for sober people, they can no longer get away with upside-down toilets and sinks that only work when you stand on one foot. And anything more than this is glamorous. Just ask Margot Robbie.

 

"Would Don Draper go there?"

Lol, no. But that's fine.

 

"How does one dance sober?"

Good question! Not well, probably. But then again, you probably don't dance well when you're drunk, either, so at least in this new scenario, you're in a better mental state to channel the queen of all dance moves, Kristen Wiig. All hail.

 

"How does one flirt sober?"

You don't flirt -- not really. You have a normal discussion with somebody in which you do not keep accidentally winking at them. This is good and healthy. That person is also not drunk, so the winking thing wouldn't work here anyway. Your normal discussion works instead, and you still get to go in for mad kisses later, promise.

 

"What do we drink instead?"

Floral essence water! Or just good ol' tap water. Tea or green tea, juice or green juice. Milk or fight milk. Whatever they throw at ya, okay?

 

"Am I supposed to go into work ... not hungover the next day?"

You are. You will love it. You will be bursting with sunshine and dancing on rainbows, friend.

 

"Is this even going to be fun?"

YES. Yes. We don't need alcohol to have fun, right? Right. We think.

 

And finally...

"Why, God?"

For the good of your health! Or something. 

 

Images via ronstik/Shutterstock; giphy.com

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