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Paula Deen Is Back But Her Fat-Laden Food May Not Be (PHOTOS)

paula deenHas something been missing from your life lately? Something you just can't put your finger on, something buttery that goes with sweet tea. Oh yes! Paula Deen is launching her own cooking network -- online. Do not search for your Paula fix on the tee vee. Nope, our lady of the deep fryer will be broadcasting via subscription Internet channel. And we can't wait. What kinds of decadent treats will she whip up for us, I wonder?

Oh man, I plum forgot. Paula's got the sugar. Now that she's revealed that she has diabetes, she's supposedly eating healthier now. What does that mean for her cooking channel, I wonder? Will Paula still be Paula? I shudder to think of what meals and recipes she'll start featuring now. Please tell me it won't look like this:

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1Healthy Fresh Start Green Smoothie

Because every morning is a chance to start all over! Imagine Paula beginning her day with a green smoothie. That means a banana, some collard leaves, lemon juice, green apples, and -- no Paula! You don't add ice cream to this smoothie!

Image ©iStock.com/MelleVaroy

2High-Fiber Omega 3 Seed-Licious Cookies

Paula still loves to indulge, but when she does cookies, she does cookies right. With birdseed! These flax seed and chia treats are made with real red palm kernel seed and no eggs at all.

3Kale & Sacrifice Salad

Don't love the taste of kale? WELL TOO BAD. This is your new life now. Get ready to eat this super-food at least once a day, preferably tossed in a salad with un-roasted nuts and exotic yet strangely bitter fruit.

4Totally Teriff-OK Tofu Tacos

Marinated tofu, spinach, cabbage, tomato, and the vague sense that you're missing something satisfying, all in a deliciously crunchy amaranth taco shell.

5Hipster Quinoa Bowl of Regret

Come 'n get it! Who wants some nice quinoa tossed with finely chopped cabbage, carrots, purslane, self-righteousness, and hunger pains? My fave!

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6Kimchee Aromatherapy

It's not just about cooking and eating on the Paula Deen Digital Network. This is about lifestyle, babycakes! Take this kimchee aromatherapy. Now you don't have to actually eat this. Just put a towel over your head, lean over it, and inhale deeply until you get a vision of Paula morphing into Kali the Destroyer chasing you with a sword. When she cuts off your head, that's your cue to stop your treatment. Go lie down with a tall, icy glass of sweet tea. Oh shoot! Keep forgetting. I mean some ice water with lemon. 

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