Paula Deen Comes Back From Her Racist Past as a Black Gay Football Player

michael sam paula deen
Separated at birth?
Oh Paula! After announcing that she's ready for her big comeback, Paula Deen compared herself to gay football player Michael Sam. You know, the MVP college athlete who bravely came out before the NFL draft picks? She says they're facing the same struggle. And that makes all kinds of sense. I know whenever I think of a white celeb chef who's been accused of racism and of promoting unhealthy food while keeping her diabetes a secret up until she signs an endorsement deal with an expensive diabetes medication (big breath), I DEFINITELY THINK: BLACK GAY FOOTBALL PLAYER.

Oh Paula. Paula Paula Paula. Sigh. We're real happy about your new restaurant in Tennessee, but this ain't gonna work, honey. Slide a chair on next to me and let's discuss over some unsweetened iced tea why now is not the time for you to come out as a black gay football player.


Here's what Our Lady of Butter and Sorrows said.

I feel like ‘embattled’ or ‘disgraced’ will always follow my name. It’s like that black football player who recently came out. He said, ‘I just want to be known as a football player. I don’t want to be known as a gay football player.’ I know exactly what he’s saying. I’m fighting to get my name back.

(Psst, Paula: It's Michael Sam.)

Okay, yes. You are both fighting to get your name back. I guess. You are also both carbon-based Earth dwellers who breathe oxygen. So there's that as well. You should mention that in your next press conference. Here's what you're missing, though.

1. You're not gay.

2. You're not a college athlete risking his career.

3. You're not making history by becoming the first gay anything.

4. You're not doing a good job of making us forget what an insensitive, kinda-racist loon you are.

Just a suggestion: Maybe if you want your name back, you should stop saying batshit things. I'm just thinking outside the cake mix box here. I know it's a crazy idea! In order to win back your name as a food personality and successful businesswoman, talk about food and keep running your successful businesses.

But DO NOT compare yourself with someone who risked his career, image, and possibly even his personal safety in order to make a bold, groundbreaking announcement about something incredibly personal and sensitive. EVEN MORE SENSITIVE AND PERSONAL THAN DIABETES. Why am I yelling? Ugh.

I kind of wish we could put Paula Deen back in the oven until she's finally ready to come out. But you know what? She's never going to be ready.

Do you think Paula Deen will ever recover from her dreadful foot-in-mouth disease?


Images via Joe Robbins/Getty, John Parra/Getty

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