Want to get blotto on on screwdrivers but don’t want to shell out for vodka? Here’s an elegant solution: Hand sanitizer. A Pennsylvania man was arrested for stealing hand sanitizer from a hospital -- 12 bottles which he intended to mix with orange juice for cocktails, as you do. Did I say elegant? I meant revolting. Here’s the saddest part. We’re not even talking about some sneaky, underage teenager. No, this is a 51--year-old grown-ass man, perfectly capable of walking into a liquor store and purchasing a bottle of whatever.
I’m sure he knows about all the really cheap vodka out there. And yet, he went with the hand sanitizer. You almost have to admire such an undiscriminating palate. I wonder if he’s considered any of these alternatives?
1. Cough syrup: A favorite among high school students. Nose: Cherry, with hints of menthol. Taste profile: Angry blast of artificial maraschino cherry mixed with embalming fluid, bitter wormwood in the back of the throat. Leaves behind sticky residue you won’t get off your tongue for days. Makes you feel like a space alien.
2. Vanilla extract: You’ll need to buy at least a dozen of those little bottles. Nose: Vanilla, duh. Taste profile: Also vanilla. Your mother’s tears. Too many cookies. Don't drive, though -- a woman was arrested for driving while intoxicated on vanilla extract.
3. Witch hazel: Careful, some brands do not contain alcohol at all. Nose: Herbacious, bracing. Taste profile: Hellfire and damnation. Eye of newt, hair of toad. See also isopropyl alcohol, which has all of the above but without the lovely herbal bouquet.
4. Mouthwash: The advantage of this “beverage” is that people will smell your breath and not suspect a thing. Nose: Minty fresh! Taste profile: Mint followed by arctic winds burning through your mouth and throat leaving behind a frostbitten wasteland. Also, I hear it won't actually get you drunk.
5. Nutmeg milkshake: Not just a light sprinkling -- we're talking a whole container of the nutmeg mixed into a shake. Technically this will make you high, not drunk. But I'm including it anyway on account of its weirdness. Nose: Nutmeg. Taste profile: Nutmeg and cream -- I'm guessing. Too much nutmeg probably tastes like eating a tree.
DISCLAIMER: In case it's not obvious, we strongly discourage our readers from trying any of these. Just say no.
Have you ever tried consuming any of these -- or, erhm, know anyone who has?
Image via Andrew Braithwaite/Flickr