Dear New Giant M&Ms: I Love You

m&msDear Mega M&Ms:

It has been too long since I have last seen you. When our dear mostly deaf pastor brought me news that your arrival would be delayed until May of 2014, I wept bitter tears. However am I to manage without your presence throughout this long, cold, winter? I went for a snowy walk with our mutual acquaintance King Size Snickers, but he melted, I am sorry to say, in both mouth and hand: Forgive me my infidelity. The nights are long, chocolate delicious, my belly hollow, and I am weak and sweet-toothed in disposition. 

All my life, it seems, I have waited for you, as if in a dream. There are days even now when I am sure you cannot be real. As a girl, all the other women of my parish would oggle the "regular M&Ms" who strutted up and down the thoroughfare in their kidskin spats and feathered hats. 


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They called me "picky" and "greedy" when I rejected them. I was neither. I, was a dreamer, and my primary dream? One day meeting (and consuming, if you'll forgive my forwardness) an M&M containing 33% more chocolate than all others of its kind. They called me mad, I called them fools. 

I have decided to leave the parish and strike out for adventure while I await your return to me. Who knows what other giant treats I shall meet while I am gone. I plan on climbing cacao trees with a band of hardened graham crackers, on fencing piratical cream pies, taking to the sky above our heads in a contraption piloted by an aged macaroon.

A bigger chocolate, after all, deserves a bigger spirit, and I would not ever want to disappoint you, most luscious of all the hand-sized candies. I would ask, in future, that you do not include in your letters to me, nude etchings of your "travel companion" Mega Peanut M&M. I fear I may have given you both the wrong impression of my nature. While free love is all well and good for the French, there is only so much candy a girl can take.

Yours in confectionery bliss


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