Before you know it, Thanksgiving will be upon us. Roll out the bucket you reserve to throw up into table-side, 'cause you're gonna need it! Traditionally this holiday occurs so that Americans everywhere can demonstrate how to distend their jaws and forget the horrible atrocities committed against the Native Americans back in the days of the dour Puritans and their flashy shoes.
We all have a pretty nebulous picture of what Thanksgiving is, and we are all hilariously incorrect. There's a lot of misinformation when it comes to talking about this holiday. Since I consider it my life's mission to make sure we all know exactly why one day a year daddy eats until he cries, I've gathered some facts about Thanksgiving that might help you come to understand the holiday a little bit better.
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We know that Thanksgiving was first celebrated by the pilgrims, and we know that Squanto had something to do with it. But what about the pies and the feast and the booze? What's the deal there? Here are some weird facts that will change the way you think about Thanksgiving* forever. #Sorrynotsorry
1. There Was No Turkey!
They probably didn't have turkey, and if they did it was wild, not the type we're used to inahling. This is good news for those of us who would rather pass on the dry, sleep-inducing bird. The bad news is that rather than turkey, the crew feasted on the internal organs of local deer. Mmmmm, harrowing.
2. It Was 3 Days Long
Get ready to rock you guys. Rather than one day of feasting, the original Thanksgiving went on for days. Insert in-law joke here. Also smallpox, because everyone was riddled with smallpox.
3. E'erybody Got Crunk
While I doubt tops were removed, everybody partook of alcoholic beverages -- even the kids! This means that at least one person disapproved and bellowed, "WHAT IS THIS, FRANCE?" Because our casual francophobia is not new.
4. No Native Americans Allowed!
Yeah, it's not likely the Americans even invited the tribes who helped them survive to eat with them. If anything, they offered them food as payment and then crossed themselves in fear for their lives having made direct contact with their rescuers.
5. Why We Have 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' To Thank
Here's a silver lining - Sarah Josepha Hale, the author of Mary Had a Little Lamb, suggested making Thanksgiving a more widely acknowledged holiday than it was in an effort to keep the nation from dividing over the issue of slavery. The Civil War still happened, but so did Thanksgiving -- so there's that.
6. There Is Another One in December
Fun fact, during the Revolutionary War the Continental Congress declared December 18th Thanksgiving...for the American triumph at Saratoga. So should you find yourself antsy between our Turkey Day and Christmas -- invite your friends over to gourge in honor of BEATING THE TAR OUT OF THE BRITISH.
7. There Was Not Really Feasting
In news surprising no one, the Puritans were not a riotously fun lot. It goes to follow that their "Thanksgiving" involved less stuffing and more countless hours of prayer. Rock on with your clothes on, Puritans.
Do you have any Thanksgiving traditions that are a little bit odd?
Image via wattpublishing/Flickr
*Canada has Thanksgiving too, but we're not discussing it here BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA. Additionally, Thanksgiving is celebrated on the tentacle planet of Throbtron. The more you know.