You know how out of hand the October pumpkin madness has gotten? Well, the fall flavor insanity just got a whole lot worse. Please allow me to direct your attention to the Yankee Candle turkey- and stuffing-scented candle. Are you wondering what all those words are doing together in a sentence? Me too. So I'm going to let you sit and digest that a moment.
SIGH. Turkey and stuffing smell, wafting from a candle. Hey, Yankee Candle? I just ... NO. You've gone too far this time.
Where do I even get started on this mandatory rant? Let's see, how about we are not even one week into October, the eff are you doing here with your Thanksgiving ANYTHING? Jesus Christ, let us get through Halloween first.
There are two disastrous ways I see this playing out. Scenario number one: The candle doesn't smell like real turkey and stuffing. Because guess what? IT'S NOT REAL TURKEY AND STUFFING. It's some sort of weird chemical-derived artificial scent poured into a wax mold. It probably smells like turkey dinner vomit mixed with paraffin, the tears of your mother, and fragrance number 3856H. Yucky.
Scenario number two is that by some miracle of science, it actually does smell like turkey dinner, in which case burning it in your home will drive you mad with a very specific kind of hunger. Why would any sane person do this to themselves? There is a reason why most scented candles and room sprays smell like something we don't usually eat; it's so we won't eat the candles.
As if this isn't bad enough, Yankee Candle has a whole set of Thanksgiving-themed candles. There's cranberry sauce -- with a picture of canned fucking cranberry gel, not even real cranberries. And there's sweet potato pie, can't even imagine what hell-smell pollutes your nose when you light that one. Oh my God, I feel like hitting someone now, and that's probably the exact opposite of how these candles are probably supposed to make me feel. Someone shoot me up with a heavy dose of tryptophan, stat.
Would you buy a turkey- and stuffing-scented candle?
Image via Yankee Candle