An Open Letter to Pumpkin: Please, Tone It Down

pumpkinDear Pumpkin,

I guess I should start by saying congratulations on "your" time of year. Here we are, another fall, and you've outdone yourself yet again. I can't say for sure, because I was asleep, but I'm fairly positive that when the clock struck midnight on August 31, you appeared out of thin air in giant cardboard boxes in front of every grocery store in America. Your PR person is beyond. Do you use the Kardashians' girl? Ah, probably not, because you'd be at Paris Fashion Week right now. Wait, are you? Anyway!


The reason I'm writing isn't because I have anything against you personally. Just the opposite, in fact. I quite like you. It's long been a dream of mine to hollow you out and use you as a bowl for pumpkin (or butternut squash, no offense) soup at Thanksgiving dinner. I haven't gotten around to it yet, but something tells me I have time, if you know what I'm saying. If you don't, what I'm saying is you're not going anywhere. Ever.

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There's no point in sugarcoating things (unless you're a sugar pumpkin heh), so I'm just going to go for it. You're just ... too much, Pumpkin. Too much. You need to dial it back a few notches. Lattes and cupcakes, fine. Totally get it. But when you get into Pringles and Pop Tarts and ale territory, enough is enough. And don't get me wrong, I know this isn't all you. It's your PR person, who I guess might not know what she's doing after all. I mean, those Kardashian-flavored potato chips were disgusting.

And I'm going to say something controversial here: I, personally, don't like pumpkin-flavored things all that much. There, I said it. I would definitely choose an apple cider-flavored donut over a pumpkin one, and for the love of sweet, tiny baby Jesus, regular, "plain" pasta over pumpkin-flavored. Italian classics and fall favorites are a gap that ought not ever be bridged. Because it's disgusting. And pumpkin bagels? Now you're just getting cocky.

I'm no therapist, but if I had to dole out a little dime store psychology here, I'd say this all stems from some kind of childhood trauma; a deep-seeded insecurity of yours. Did your parents push you when you were just an itty bit of a thing, growing up on the patch? Did you get a lot of positive reinforcement any time someone tasted or smelled you? (Let's not even get into your Candle Complex.) I'm not trying to be intrusive; I just want to help. Apple, cinnamon, and nutmeg are all fall favorites, as well, but they're not assaulting everyone's eyes, noses, and mouths every time people leave their house.

I'm sorry, that was mean.

I guess what I'm trying to say here is, relax, Pumpkin. Take a load off. I can't imagine the pressure you're under this time of year, but I think, in a lot of ways, you're putting it on yourself. No one will care if you take a few days off to recharge your batts. Why don't you and a couple of gourds go have a lost weekend in Mexico? Drink fruity drinks; lay on the beach (if you're not already carved); birddog the chicas. It'll be good for you.

And in the spirit of remaining honest, it'll be good for me, too. Though, I will admit, the photo of you vomiting really does not get old.



Are you obsessed with pumpkins? (Go ahead, blow his head up a little more!)


Image via JD Hancock/Flickr

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