5 Healthy Foods That Totally Aren't Worth the Hideous Consequences

LOL 23

I've been trying to eat better lately. I'm including the caveat that I'm "trying" rather than "consistently succeeding" because, well, let's be real. *Glances down at belly pooching over waistband, brushes cookie crumbs off chest* While it's not easy for me to completely commit to a healthy eating plan, I can tell when I've been on the right track for a while because not only do my clothes fit better, but I feel better all over -- more energy, improved moods, more confidence.

That said, there are SOME "healthy" foods that absolutely do NOT make me feel like my very best self. At all. In fact, given the choice between these superfoods and a super-sized rear end, I think I'd choose the extra booty every time. For instance:

Asparagus. So tasty when it's grilled or roasted, especially with a little lemon and olive oil and sea salt, SO UNSPEAKABLY HORRENDOUS LATER WHEN YOU PEE. Fun fact: that awful-smelling asparagus urine smell happens after your digestive system breaks down a sulfur-containing compound called asparagusic acid, and it's believed certain people don't have the DNA code-associated nasal receptors to detect said odor. If that's the case for you, just know that it smells like your toilet is actually a gateway into a hellish dimension roiling with a volatile pungent stench worse than a thousand skunk carcasses piled on a mountain of rotten eggs.

Cauliflower. Or any cruciferous vegetable, really. The problem here isn't the taste -- I love these vegetables whether steamed, roasted, or stir-fried. It's the smell when they're cooking, which my oldest son once described as "Like a million farts but worse." Plus, the actual farts afterwards. Not worth it, cauliflower.

Kale. Speaking of farts, how did kale suddenly become this big trendy superfood when it basically makes your butthole play "Flight of the Bumblebee" for like FIVE HOURS after you eat it? Fine, maybe that's just me, but as far as I'm concerned kale can suck it. Especially those depressing dried chunks people keep trying to pass off as a viable junk food substitute. You're not fooling anyone, kale chips.

Dried apricots. Never eat a whole bag of these. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER do this. Take it from me.

Beets. God, I love beets. I eat them all the time, especially now that the steamed/peeled packaged variety is so readily available. They're sweet, delicious, and downright mind-blowing when paired with a little feta cheese. Here's the thing, though: no matter how many times I eat them, I experience the same amount of soul-chilling horror the next day when I, um, go to the bathroom. "OH MY GOD I'M DYING I'M BLEEDING OUT FROM THE INSIDE I'M HEMORRHAGING FROM ASS CANCER SWEET JESUS TELL MY CHILDREN I LOVE THEM GOODBYE SWEET WORL -- ohhhh, right. Beets."

What foods would you add to the "healthy, but not worth the repercussions" list?


Image via Market Manager/Flickr

healthy choices

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Sleep... SleepingBeautee

Oh Lord... These two lines could be the best I have read... EVER!


"It was so bad I actually went back and dug the bag out of the trash, positive I’d missed a label that said “WARNING: CONTENTS MAY TURN ASSHOLE INTO EYE OF SAURON.”


"Speaking of farts, how did kale suddenly become this big trendy superfood when it basically makes your butthole play "Flight of the Bumblebee" for like FIVE HOURS after you eat it?"


 


-----


Seriously, I am still laughing!


"


 

Coles... Coles_mom

Never eaten kale, cauliflower, or beets. I've had apricots, but not dried and I've tried asparagus once and won't ever again. I'm a super picky eater though.

erlar... erlark2012

What happened after you ate the apricots?

nonmember avatar Kristi

Totally true and totally hilarious!

CAP1015 CAP1015

Funniest blog on here ever!.............I love beets....... your comments made me laugh out loud! 

NatAndCo NatAndCo

My family has warnings about three of these. Beets are "pee dye #1". Asparagus is "pee dye #2" even though it dyes it with stink instead of color. And apricots are "meesh meesh" because there is no other way to politely describe what comes out of you after you eat them.... Of course when we were children the funny names made us want them more... "I want red pee!!!"

craft... craftycatVT

Lol NatAndCo! My cat's name is Meesh Meesh!

bearsmum bearsmum

You are hilarious! My addition: an entire batch of homemade black bean soup...not my brightest moment.

Julie Winkler

but all that stuff is so yummy, I'll take the results anyday...though I've never noticed off-colored pee from beets...now I want some to try it and see (weird I know). hilarious post by the way!

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