coffeeIf you want to prove to the world that you make the best coffee in America, this is not the way to do it. Dunkin' Donuts tried to claim exclusive rights to use the phrase, "Best Coffee in America." They were rejected. The U.S. Patent and Trademark Office had all sorts of fine-sounding legal reasons to reject DD's mad grab for coffee glory, but I think we all know the reason why they were turned down: Because! Dunkin' Donuts doesn't have the best coffee in America.

I mean, it's pretty good coffee. I know a lot of people love it. According to me, the best best coffee in America is made by those obsessive, tattooed, beanie-wearing baristas using locally-roasted beans and brewed using some ancient, low-tech technique that takes forever. Actually, I think it's totally unfair to ask the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office to decide who does make the Best Coffee in America. Right, Samuel Adams?

That's a Boston-area beer company that tried to claim the right to use the phrase, "Best Beer in America." And again, Samuel Adams is definitely above average. But the Best? This is America spewing out a mouthful of beer in reply. NO.

What's with these companies trying to claim they're the best? Don't they know? The louder you crow your amazingness, the more obvious your lack-of-amazingness becomes. Not to mention -- what does BEST even mean?!? Everyone has a different opinion on what makes coffee good. We'll never even reach a consensus on the darker/lighter roast argument.

Here's a much better phrase to trademark: The Best Mass-Produced, Medium-Roast, Mostly Fair Trade but Not Totally, Goes Well With Our Donuts, Comes in a White Cup With Pink and Orange, Readily Available Coffee in America. But that looks kind of long on a billboard. Anyway, for coffee that you buy in a paper cup on the way to soccer practice, isn't "good enough" good enough?

Who do you think makes the "best" coffee in America?

 

Image via ChrisHConnelly/Flickr