If you ever find yourself in Times Square, please, for the love of all things, do NOT eat at Guy Fieri's new restaurant, Guy's American Kitchen & Bar. According to The New York Times, it just might be the worst restaurant in America. And reviewer Pete Wells' review just might be the best restaurant review ever written.
So, if you've got a free moment in your busy day, if the kids have gone down for a nap for a minute, treat yourself to some of this comic genius and check out the review. It's so good, I sincerely wish I'd written it myself. Why's it so great?
Most of the review is posed as questions for Fieri, and it asks him why, why, why these things in his restaurant exist. It begins: "GUY FIERI, have you eaten at your new restaurant in Times Square? Have you pulled up one of the 500 seats at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar and ordered a meal? Did you eat the food? Did it live up to your expectations?"
Uh oh. This does not sound like it's going to go well. And it most definitely doesn't. "Did you notice that the menu was an unreliable predictor of what actually came to the table?" Hahahaha. Burn.
It's two pages of quizzical pondering on exactly how Guy's food could be oh-so-very bad. Here are a few of the most LOL-worthy gems as Wells describes his dining experience:
- What exactly about a small salad with four or five miniature croutons makes Guy’s Famous Big Bite Caesar (a) big (b) famous or (c) Guy’s, in any meaningful sense?
- Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?
- How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable?
- When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads? (My personal favorite line.)
- And when we hear the words Donkey Sauce, which part of the donkey are we supposed to think about? I cannot fathom why anyone would call anything "donkey sauce."
Wow. This reviewer officially really, really hates this restaurant. And he's convinced me -- I'll be avoiding it like the plague. Unless the Zombie Apocalypse were to strike, and it were the only place left in the world to eat, I'll be heading across the way to Red Lobster.
Would you eat at Guy's American Kitchen & Bar after reading this?
Image via goodiesfirst/Flickr