'50 Shades of Kale' Cookbook Turns This Nice Vegetable Naughty

50 shades of kaleWell look who's hitching a ride on the Fifty Shades pornwagon, trying to change her reputation: KALE. You know, the dark leafy green vegetable? Oh yeah, she's hot like Anastasia, and she's got a new e-cookbook: 50 Shades of Kale.

This is me biting my lip! Dr. Drew Ramsey (The Happiness Diet) and Jennifer Iserloh (Secrets of a Skinny Chef) have brought kale into the bedroom -- or something like that. Those crayzee kids! What will they think of next? My inner green goddess salad is palpitating at the possibilities. So how HAWT is this cookbook?

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In a weird way the idea kind of makes sense. Kale is like Anastasia -- the awkward, nerdy girl just waiting to be revealed as a sex goddess. But oh my Lord is this ever a missed opportunity. It turns out this actually is just a kale cookbook.

There are no cheesy, poorly-written yet strangely exciting sex scenes! Only puns. And in the video promo, the authors keep their clothes on the whole time and they don't even touch each other. What the hell. This book is a total rip-off. Or it would be if it weren't in fact free this week (download it by the 11th).

I was kind of hoping this book would show me how to incorporate healthy greens into my sex life. Can kale be used to tie up my lover? Does it work as a blindfold? As a super-nutritious diaphragm? How do you weave it into a riding crop? Can you whip it? Whip it good? And does eating chocolate kale fudge pops count as torture? (The answer is yes.) Phooey. I guess I'll just have to write my own 50 Shades of Kale e-book. But in the meantime, some of these kale recipes actually do look pretty good -- even if they're more nice than naughty.

Does the Fifty Shades theme make you want to try this kale cookbook?

 

Image via 50 Shades of Kale

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