A Carnivore's Open Letter Professing Her Undying Love of Meat

Yum! 15

roast beefI love meat. I don't care what you say. I don't care if it's "murder" or responsible for heart disease or the reason why I'm going to hell. I just love meat. I love meat so much, I'll pay extra for well-raised meat: Grass-fed, pasture-raised, free-range, sung to, massaged, given therapy pre-slaughter, all of it. I wear the same old pair of shoes day after day just so I can keep eating high-quality meat. That's how much I love meat.

But you know what? I don't need to tell humans why I love meat so much. I need to tell meat that I love it. I need to write meat a love letter.

Dear Meat,

Here are all the reasons why I love you so much.

1. Because when I cook you the right way, you get all crisp and browned on the inside, yet you remain tender and juicy on the inside.

2. Because when I eat you, even in small amounts, I feel so very satisfied.

3. Because after I eat you, I can save the bones and brew some delicious stock and enjoy you a second time.

4. Because you go so well with vegetables.

5. Because there are so many things I can do with you: Braise, roast, grill, poach, stir-fry -- I can even serve you raw!

6. Because when I'm on my period I crave you like crazy (especially beef). Meat makes it all better.

7. Because sizzling bacon smells like the second coming of Christ. Forget what Jeanne Sager says about how vegetarians don't like it! Look away! Her words will only hurt you, dear bacon. And I love you too much to let you get hurt like that.

8. Because meat is loaded with essential minerals. Sure, you could get them from supplements and extra vegetables. But why would you?

9. Because Thanksgiving smells like turkey.

10. Because have you ever seen a meat-eater try to prepare meat so it resembles vegetables? No. But vegetarians keep trying to make meat-like foods out of plants.

11. Because that's why we have animals.

12. Because if I don't eat that hamburger, who will? I'm just doing my duty here. No wasted food!

13. Because Ron Swanson is right.

14. Because I actually love the idea of eating something that used to breathe -- it's thrilling.

15. Because eating meat is something to look forward to.

16. Because CLA will turn you into a superhero and chicken broth cures everything.

17. Because after I sear you in a pan I can pour in stock and wine and make the most amazing reduction that makes grown men cry.

18. Because meat goes well with wine.

19. Because eating meat makes me feel connected to the cycle of life and death on Earth.

20. Because I just do.

Do you like eating meat? Why or why not?

 

Image via Steve A Johnson

comfort food, dinner, food

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bills... billsfan1104

Bwgahhhahhha. I love number 10.

Misty... Misty.Dawn

lmao i love #7 & #10 :) this was hilarious!

SuzyB... SuzyBarno

I like meat. It gives me energy and makes me lean. Go meat!!!! And veggies and fruit and grains too;)

count... countrygirl670

I am competing with you for meat's affections.

butte... butterflyfreak

I could probably give up chocolate before I could ever give up meat. And that's saying something because I LOOOOOOOOOOVE chocolate.

Sleep... SleepingBeautee

This post makes me smile. I am a fellow meat lover. Thanks for the laugh.

easun... easunshine

Love #7! So fun when the stir writers poke at each other!!

Mrscj... Mrscjones

Number 10 the best and so true. This reminds me of Carlos Mencia when he said he does more for the environment since he's eating the cows that's putting the gases in the ozone.

nonmember avatar Guest

BACONNNNNN!

Allis... AllisonWD

I rarely ate meat before becoming pregnant with my second child. I was by no means a vegetarian but I just didn't care for it that much.  And now, let me tell you...this little girl LOVES red meat. I will never go back to just a little chicken here and there. Oh man, give me a steak.  I NEED IT TO LIVE.

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