And now it's time for Party Tips by Real Housewife LuAnn de Lesseps. Actress, socialite, mother, author, and actual Countess LuAnn knows a thing or two about entertaining fancy people the fancy way. And fortunate we! She is sharing her exclusive fancy-people-entertaining wisdom with us.
Just pretend you're reading Goop if it were written by someone with darker hair and an actual title. Ahem.
No wait, why am I mocking? These might be totally useful tips for us plebs on a budget. Let's go have a looky!
1. Send a "save the date" about a month or two in advance. An Evite is super fun and probably better, what with people shuttling back and forth to their summer residences. What's that? You don't have a summer home? Oh, how awful for you. Oh -- and do inform your guests of "the dress code" for your party. Dress code... okay, so for me that would mean "please arrive fully dressed, not just in your underwear." Sure, worth mentioning, I suppose.
2. Invite a variety of people. For example, invite the Countess, but also invite the hobos from the train station because they look kind of hungry. Having guests "from all walks of life" will make your party "more interesting." Be sure to include at least one person with hair extensions that rip out easily.
3. Circulate your party. Walk around telling jokes and doing impressions. Walk away before you can see your guests cringe uncomfortably.
4. Whip up a creative menu people can eat in the summer. Read: Do not serve those god-forsaken hot pockets again. Don't you have any self respect? It's AUGUST. Bring out the ceviche and chilled champagne, you floozy!
5. Put your mark on your drinks. You know, so we can all avoid catching each other's gonorrhea after accidentally swilling from the wrong crystal. I'm one step ahead of you, Countess! Two words: Paper cups.
6. Greet your guests with a glass of wine and a big-ass smile plastered on your face. The wine is for your guests, FYI. If your party is outdoors, have the girl or maybe your husband's valet greet people at the gate.
7. It's ever so much more elegant to use fumey Tiki torches and candles. Christmas lights are so ticky-tacky. What are we, college students?
8. Don't play music by ear. What the hell does she mean by that? Whatever. I think the point is to play music people don't have to shout over. I like to play music people might want to dance to, but the Countess says she likes to sing to her guests. Oh god. More wine, anyone?
9. Your guests are not on the menu. She means get some citronella candles out for the mosquitoes, but I think it's a thinly veiled warning for her boyfriend.
10. All good parties must come to an end. Well no shit! She gives instructions for politely ushering out the guests, but what do you do about the ones who are passed out on the floor or overdosed in your bathtub?
What are your favorite party tips?
Image via Bravo